The Ball is Still Rolling

Today I started the paperwork to transfer bookstores so I can secure a job in Ohio. David says the job climate is...less than ideal out there. So the sooner I start the process the more likely it is I'll be able to nab a spot and get at least some money coming in to contribute to the household.

I will continue to look for non-retail work,something with hours closer to David's. Something that doesn't have me directing customers to the restroom,picking up trash a foot away from a trash can, telling customers that we do not sell Sarah Palin calendars. We also do not sell software,DVD players, video games. We do not appraise antiques, we have no public computers, we have no copy machine and the books do not check out they are yours forever because we are NOT A LIBRARY! WE ARE A BOOKSTORE! I digress...

Getting a job in Ohio is difficult for me. It is going to push me way out of my comfort zone. I will have to either A) learn to use the bus system, B) walk in bad weather or a combination of my two biggest fears C) DRIVE and in BAD WEATHER.

Let me digress again...I am afraid of driving. Terrified beyond comprehension. So terrified that it took me years to obtain a license and after I got it I NEVER EVER GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL AGAIN. It's been over two years, at least. I cried before my test and after I slept for like four hours because I came down with Strep throat. My body and mind were so consumed with stress I got sick. I like to say I'm mentally incapable of driving. My friends and family like to say I am lazy. But they still drive me around...anywhere and everywhere I need or want to go. They may bitch about it but they do it. I have worked in a town 15-20 minutes away from my home five days a week for four years and I have been dropped off and picked up every time. I have never used public transportation in my life. When David left for Ohio I had to cut my hours because I had no ride home at night. I am spoiled. I am an 85 year old woman trapped in a 25 year old body. I'm just a girl because they won't let me drive late at night. Because nobody walks in L.A. God knows what will happen when I get to Ohio and I have to use the bus because my intricate network of drivers will collapse into one. One that doesn't want to drive me anywhere he doesn't have to.

I also happen to live in a small town with good weather so I mostly walk when I need to get somewhere and there is no one to drive me. From one end of town to the other it is 30 minutes,from my house to my in-laws also 30. The library, the thrift store, the coffee shop, my pedicurist, the grocery store,fast food all 10 minute walks. Life is good.

So in conclusion the "get a job ball" is rolling, the "wedding ball"...not really rolling at all. It's just sort of sitting there and I am poking it with a stick. I am driving my future, my destiny. Things are looking like... the job climate in Ohio...less than ideal. Oh, won't someone please take the wheel for me? I will pay for the gas I promise. I just need to go to Nordie's first.

Point of No Return

Somewhere in cyberspace there is a one way ticket to Ohio with my name on it. David bought it and sent me the confirmation so I know it exists. The ticket will float in a database until March when we print it out and then I will know there is really no turning back. When I hold that ticket in my hand, when I step on that plane the world as I know it will cease to be and a vacuum will suck me up and spit me out in another state. A completely alternate state of being. I was so scared when David bought his ticket home I cried. Of course, he wanted to know why I was crying and I told him why and he said, "But I'm here. You'll have me." "I know," I wailed,"that's what scares me." I didn't cry when he bought mine.

There is a part of me that just wants everything to be over and done. That same part just wants to run from from my family. All the drama, all the pain, all the minimal expectations. Even though I know soon I will be so far away from them it will leave an unfathomable ache in my heart.

I am knocking down milestones. I will be the first child in my family to marry and pack up and leave. I will be the first one that will not look back for too long or too hard. I always knew David would take me away I just didn't know how far.

This Wasn't What I Had In Mind

March is a month,one of the few months, in California when the weather is iffy. I have memories of rain and wind and blue skies and sun. David and I plan on getting married in March and I quickly realized the original plan of using his parent's backyard as the wedding site may be a bad idea.

The March rain could force 50-100 guests inside his parent's home. Then again maybe it won't rain. Still, we would have to rent tables and chairs. We can't ask relatives who have flown from far away or who are elderly to stand. Just like we can't ask those same relatives to stand in the rain or postpone the wedding for a sunny day when they have no place to go but a hotel room. Then I remembered the house would have to be cleaned for the wedding. I hate cleaning. The cost of all this started to look about the same as renting a building. I live in a small town with a small budget so I didn't look further than local churches. Specifically, a church where I was a past member.

David thinks that parting with any amount of money is too much. I have to agree but I remind him we are buying piece of mind. I tried to make this easy. I just need a building with some chairs and tables. Nothing fancy. I am in contact with a local church and it seems I am coming in at a time when the church is revising their guidelines and costs. I told them that I really just need the Parish Hall. There probably isn't going to be a ceremony. This is turning into less of a wedding and more of a reception. I received an email today that said I would have answers to my questions after the church office manager meets with "the lady who is going to be the church wedding liaison". My heart began to beat faster and then it fell into my stomach.

Wait, what? Church wedding liaison? When I was a member of the church I don't remember there being "church wedding liaison". "Going to be.."? You mean this person is as new to the church as I am to Ohio? I am not having a wedding, I just need a building. Why are we bringing more people into this than necessary. Is this person a member of the church, do I know her? If I wanted a planner I would have employed one. That is why I chose the church I did because I wanted to fork over some cash,promise to not destroy the Parish Hall, make sure no one eats in the Sanctuary, and be done. I just wanted a pretty building I was familiar with for my relatives say hello to David in and good-bye to me in while eating cupcakes! Now I have to wait and see what is going to happen. I was sick of poking at this wedding with a stick and now I poked to hard and a wedding liaison popped out. Damn.

The Future of our Libraries

Anne Fadiman wrote a wonderful little book of essays titled "Ex Libris". The first essay is about the author and her husband deciding, after years of marriage, to "marry" their libraries. How they should organize the library, whose copy of duplicate titles they should keep and so on. As I was reading the essay my mind wandered to my two over flowing bookcases in the living room and to David’s own bookcase in Ohio. One day,sooner than I ever anticipated, David and I might “marry” our libraries.

Now, I frequently stop before buying classics knowing that David may own a copy. Afraid that when we combine our libraries, my copy might be tossed to the donation pile or the weight of the duplicates we own will be too great and we will have to choose. Or I will stop before I purchase a used chick lit novel I really love afraid it may occupy space near one of David’s beloved dead Russians and the books won't get along or they will look uncomfortable next to each other. Another fear is that friends and relatives will glance at our shelves and know which books are mine, which are David’s, and deduce who is smarter and thus a more discriminating reader. An observation, if noted aloud, might push me to indignant tears.

In another essay Fadiman recalls memories about her parent's books and what they represented about her parent's personalities and lives. I stopped and recalled books from my mother's one bookcase(one of the two that I now own) that sat at the bottom of our stairs in our apartment when I was in late elementary school. A book of Gone With the Wind trivia, biographies of Vivien Leigh and Katherine Hepburn, Dinotopia, Green Eggs and Ham, How the Grinch stole Christmas, Diary of a Young Girl, Tales from the Secret Annex, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and other random books (I now own these copies).  David’s house was (is) a house filled floor to ceiling with books organized and alphabetized.  His house held books since the day he was born,longer really, A severe contrast to my family’s single case of randomness acquired late in my childhood. This doesn't mean I was raised without books and literacy. It just means we didn't own many. We never had the space or the money. We were a gypsy or circus family moving frequently.

I wondered if David had memories of his "parent's bookshelves". Then I began to wonder what our future children might think of our books. Will they think David is more intelligent? Boring? Will they wonder why Daddy can never finish a book? Or why he only reads the same subjects? Presidential biographies,US history,Military history,Russian History, Chinese History. Will they see that he has a fascination with Russian works and Richard Nixon? Plus, David keeps most of his books forever. Then they will look at my books. Will they think less of me when they see all the Chick-Lit? Think that I am stupid and shallow with a short attention span? I read them quickly and give them away. Is she ashamed of her Chick-Lit? They will surely wonder why I have picture book adaptions of almost every Shakespeare play and picture books of cats. Will they be shocked by my unhealthy obsession with Bob Dylan? Will they wonder why their mother has a collection of works just about California? Which she is constantly shoving at them afraid they will forget the epic sunshine and smog they never knew. Will they be embarrassed by their weird,bookish,nerdy parents?

Am I over thinking this whole thing? What if David and I never have children? What if we have children that are uninterested in books? Say, they are more interested in blowing things up and pummeling each other? Will I be okay with that? What if they stop printing books because it isn’t nice to the trees. Or what if Kindle makes books obsolete? What if one us goes blind and David has to read “The Devil Wears Prada” to me or I have to read him the entire Shelby Foote Civil War trilogy? I have trouble pronouncing Appomottax and I’m sure David wouldn’t know a Prada product if it hit him in the head. What if Prada stops making shoes and handbags? The future is just so uncertain.

What I Wish Governor Arnold Would Do

Every time Senator Mccain said,"She's the most popular governor in America." I howled in pain, Sarah Palin is not the most popular governor in America,Governor Arnold is! Now if only he had ultimate cosmic power...

Prop 8 passed and I have gone through all the stages of mourning. In my angry phase,when I rocked back and forth on my heels mumbling through gritted teeth, I considered calling David to tell him we weren't to be married until everyone could be married. I had "what if moments"where I envisioned the absentee ballots coming in and Prop 8 being defeated. My biggest what if moment was when I had a vision of our Governor taking to the podium and scolding us for our hatred and pettiness. I wish the Governor would say this (cue Austrian accent): "California, I asked you, I asked you to be fair to one another, to share,cooperate and work together toward a greater good. But no. So now...now there is no marriage at all. For anyone. I banned marriage. No one is to be married ever in my state. You guys want to act like children I will treat you like children. Furthermore, all marriages are void. Even if you were married 10,15 35 years ago. Prove to me that you can behave like adults."

Then I would like to see the looks on the faces of married folk who are no longer held together by the bonds of law. No matter if those bonds were sanctioned by God or a church. To hear them say," But that isn't fair!" I'd like to see the engaged women of this state take to the streets in their gowns and tiaras, fiances in tow, crestfallen faces, now angry, at the thought of a world without marriage. A world where they are not permitted to wed the one they love.

Governor Arnold has no magic wand, none of us do. But he did tell us to not give up. Protest with the masses, let the people of America know Californians do not foster hatred and neither will we support discrimination. These are not values we grow with our oranges.

Why I Voted No on Prop.8

A week ago today my best cousin and I were on our way to what may have been my last trip to Disneyland. Knowing we may be stuck in traffic I took my Official Voter Information Guide with me so I could review and decide on the Props. As I waded through the legal jargon of Prop 8 it occurred to me I shouldn't be voting on 8 at all. I don't believe in marriage at all. I told my cousin that as we waited for her breakfast burrito in the drive-thru. The reality of the situation is this, if I don't believe in marriage, I don't really care if people get married or not. If I was staying here in California ensconced by my family David and I would not be getting married. David and I will be married for safety and protection under the law. David and I,as married American citizens, will enjoy the rights and freedoms of our country. I am an American and if there is one thing I will not stand for are certain rights for me and other rights for other people.

My parents did not raise me with fear and hate in my heart. They raised me to be an intelligent,productive member of a diverse society. They raised me with a sense of right and wrong. It is wrong to deny freedom to other people that you yourself enjoy whether or not you agree with them or their views.

Yes, I was raised by a heterosexual married couple but it wasn't always a happy home. There were times when, I thought,when I prayed to the God I sometimes believed in, that they should have never married. The arguing was constant and the tension immense. My parents had three children and then they decided to get married, to "do the right thing". The right thing however isn't always the best thing. My parents have been separated for roughly ten years and at some point they may pursue a legal divorce. Now they see each other occasionally and sometimes they argue and sometimes they get along. People are always quick to respond with an "I'm sorry" or a "You must have been so affected living in broken home." when told about my home life. I am always quick to snap back with "No". I do not come from a broken home. I was loved and cared for. My parents made sure that my brothers and I understood that through it all that we would always be loved, I would always have a mother and a father even if they didn't get along, I would always have a home and my brothers and I would have each other. I understand that my parent's problems are not mine they are not caused by me. I am a functioning member of society because my parents explained those things to me. I may have a negative view of marriage but that is my opinion.

I do not wish to "Protect Marriage" if it means potentially creating a life for a child that is filled with fear and uncertainty. They are good marriages and bad marriages,relationships, gay and straight. As far as, the whole "marriage is for procreation" so gay couples can't procreate so they can't get married argument. Well,guess what, married couples aren't the only ones who have children. Non-married folks have children too and their children are no worse or better off. Frankly, marriage to me isn't about procreation. It's about love,commitment and building a lasting, working, relationship with another human being. That way if children become a product of that union or are adopted into that union the relationship the committed couple has created shows by example that there is love,goodness and equality in the world for everyone.

Isn't that what the Bible preaches,the Bible I believe in says:Love and acceptance. People of Christian faith believe that homosexuality is wrong because it says so in the Bible. Honestly, we don't follow the letter of the Bible on everything. Read this excerpt from chapter 25 of Deuteronomy:

25:5. When brethren dwell together, and one of them dieth without children, the wife of the deceased shall not marry to another: but his brother shall take her, and raise up seed for his brother:

25:6. And the first son he shall have of her he shall call by his name, that his name be not abolished out of Israel.

25:7. But if he will not take his brother’s wife, who by law belongeth to him, the woman shall go to the gate of the city, and call upon the ancients, and say: My husband’s brother refuseth to raise up his brother’s name in Israel: and will not take me to wife.

25:8. And they shall cause him to be sent for forthwith, and shall ask him. If he answer: I will not take her to wife:

25:9. The woman shall come to him before the ancients, and shall take off his shoe from his foot, and spit in his face, and say: So shall it be done to the man that will not build up his brother’s house:

25:10. And his name shall be called in Israel, the house of the unshod.

I am pretty sure David's brothers do not want to be forced to marry me in the event of his death. They live in America where they have the freedom to choose their partner. I also know they probably don't want to lose an eye from a Converse shoe to the face.

A Single Girl Power Ballad for the Engaged?

I think I have watched this video a hundred times and tried with all my heart to hate the song. I know this song is going to be hot. Hotter than the hills that burn around me every year. It's catchy and it sounds like all the rest of her singles. Can you say insta-hit? I have tried to find fault with this song because I can't decide if it truly is a single girl power ballad or a reaffirmation of antiquated social values that make women delusional.

Beyonce claims that after a bad relationship, that obviously left her unwed or unengaged,she doesn't need the former man's permission to let another man get "up on" her. In fact that new man and her are "tight" like those hideous "Dereon jeans" she designs. If that former lover had really wanted her, he would have sealed the deal with a big ol'diamond ring. But then she goes on to say, after much butt-shaking and pelvic-thrusting,that she doesn't want to be "treated to the things of this world" she just "prefers love",just "deserves love". It is a man that will "deliver" her "to a destiny",love her forever, complete her, claiming she is the "only one". But if not Beyonce will move on to the next dude that will love her. Oh and that ring. Gotta have that ring. So, B lays it down for us pretty clearly, her "love don't cost a thing" er that was J-lo.

So what is a girl to believe? Is my relationship,my engagement,my being wed to David invalid because he didn't love me enough to go into debt for a ring? I have been told by other people from the beginning of my relationship to David to not do anything rash until I have a ring on my finger. Well people, I am doing something rash and I have no ring on my finger and probably never will. It's not like a ring is a safety net or a guarantee. I know it's about what the ring represents. I have David's word and he has mine and if that isn't enough nothing is. But here is the bitter kicker,come close, let me whisper it to you, oh hell, I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT A RING! My eyes follow the rings on the hands of women I see. I look at rings online and at jewelery counters statewide.David knows because I link him pics of rings and he just laughs. HE LAUGHS! I have even considered buying my own ring a la Britney Spears marrying K-Fed. But I know I won't because no matter how much the girl who loves pretty, sparkly, expensive accessories in me cries and begs I know I'd much rather have a designer handbag instead.

Due to Circumstances Beyond our Control

As I have mentioned in previous entries, up until this point in my life, I had never given much thought about living anywhere other than California. Living here was a given. Much like being born, and the people you are born to, where you are born and subsequently might live your entire life are circumstances beyond your control. Just like while living here you might see celebrities walking down the street,the door of the local coffee shop might be be blocked by a burly security guard and sometimes your house might get leveled by an earthquake,fall into the ocean or be consumed by fire. All of those things are beyond your control. Except the coffee shop thing, I know the owner so I get to go in anyway no matter who is in there getting caffeinated.

However, people please, you can control the look on your face when I tell you I am moving to Ohio. I know, I know there is no place like here, how could anyone even entertain the thought of living anywhere but here. Well, I can and I am. Even if it is to prove to the world that I can live anywhere even Ohio with the snow and the....snow. Plus, the houses are cheap.

So when I say brightly, "I am moving to Ohio! My fiance is there already and I am going to get married and have a big house on the lake!" You say,"That's wonderful! How exciting!" I am gritting my teeth and smiling so the least you can do is the same. Okay? Oh, and when you tell me you are from Ohio don't tell me you "left when you were sixteen and never looked back". Don't shake your head and get a vacant look in your eyes wondering how you ever "lived in such a place". It isn't helping.

Remember, I was here first. My relatives walked and took the train across the border from Mex in the 1860's. I am a Native Californian being driven from my homeland because all you people came from the Midwest and are breathing all my precious ocean air. We are just playing a statewide version of Trading Spaces. So with that said, I will trade you your quiet, spacious, three bedroom, two bath, colonial with trees and a driveway on the lake for my thin walled, teeny tiny, no privacy, three bedroom, one bath, a concrete yard,limited parking and no trees in the barrio. BUT I WAS HERE FIRST YOU REMEMBER THAT! ONE DAY I WILL RETURN, A PRODIGAL DAUGHTER, AND THERE WILL BE CUPCAKES AND REJOICING IN THE LAND. But I definitely will not want my house back.

Porn for Brides

Wedding magazines are nothing but porn for brides. Glossy,airbrushed pictures of happy couples, delicious cakes and artfully constructed floral arrangements. There are hundreds of bridal magazines on the market. I know I work at a bookstore I spend more time putting away stacks of mags than I do legitimately helping people find books. There are bridal magazines published exclusively for the place you live, for cakes, for honeymoons, for hair and dresses. Yet, as any other female with a wedding on her mind I found myself drawn to the bridal magazine section.I have purchased three so far: 805 Weddings, Brides Southern California,Los Angeles Weddings and I was given a copy of Town & Country Weddings. I have since recycled 805 Weddings it was the worst of them all. Most of the information in the magazines is useless to me. I don't need tips on favors to get my bridesmaids or honeymoon locales.

805 Weddings, like my copy of Los Angeles Weddings, boasted sections about "REAL WEDDINGS". Yes, these weddings are real. They involved real people, these weddings really happened but to me these weddings still bordered on the unreal. These couples had the luxury of money and time on their side. A luxury most couples do not have. Some of the weddings featured were simple and elegant and I liked the look of them. Some of them looked like the color pink had vomited over everything and that there was no time at all where the word "NO!" was spoken. I was tempted to call 805 weddings and have them chronicle my wedding. When asked who made my dress I would not be able to gush,"Vera Wang" when asked I'd say "You're looking at it. This is it. One wedding, one location,one time, one small budget."

I do not mean to degrade or diminish the importance of weddings or these real couple's weddings. I know women have been told from a young age or were told when they became engaged a million cliches. "Happiest day of your life." "Perfect". "You should be a Princess, a queen." "Everything you want." I have understood that marriage is sacrifice, work and compromise. It is not perfect. I would rather not start my marriage off with a fantasy. So when I think real I think reality, as in check, and not check it at the door with your coat and brain. We are not entering into an economy,a world, that supports wastefulness and greed. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but that is reality.

Things I am doing Instead of...

Tonight I finished the Monday crossword puzzle all by myself...no going to Google for help...AT ALL. I did the crossword instead of cleaning my room or planning the wedding. I feel guilty. I feel like I should be doing more about "THE WEDDING". I went from working 52 hours a week to working 36 hours so I could devote my time to "THE WEDDING AND THE MOVE". This is the first week of my new schedule so maybe I am being too hard on myself. Maybe an impromptu anti-wedding doesn't need a large amount of planning. Maybe this is one of those things that comes together at the last minute. Maybe I am going to have the most unorganized and thus boring and tragic wedding and reception in the history of the United States.

I definitely have pieces of my wedding together. I have a location and a dress. I have an officiator and a bridesmaid. David has a best man. I have a baker for the main dessert. Invitations are being created. I have a "theme and colors" and a tentative date. I have a mental list of things I want and don't want. I have a rough draft of a guest list. Somehow all of these abstract things are going to come together to make a wedding. It just doesn't seem possible and yet it is. Hundreds of women are doing the exact same thing I am doing,have done it and will continue to do it. But if that is the case then why I am finding it so difficult?

Even California Girls Get the Blues

Many days have passed since my last posting. So many in fact that David has packed, left for Ohio,driven across the country, settled into his apartment on the lake and I am still sitting in my room only leaving for food and work. Ok I lie. I went to a co-worker's to watch a movie. BUT STILL! I miss David terribly. I think he has been gone for two weeks now? I'm trying not to think about it and yet simultaneously thinking about his absence all the time. I act like he has gone to war and not just to Ohio. But you must understand David and I spent most (ALL) of our free time together trying to ignore each other. Without him I actually have to find something else to fill my free time like laundry. Or shopping for clothes so I can have more laundry.

Really what I am going to be doing in the following six months or so before I join David in Ohio is:

1)planning a half-arsed(arsed is recognized by spell check but not assed? go figure.) wedding
2)reading the hundred books I have insulating my bedroom walls
3)laundry
4)cleaning
5)packing
6)saying good-bye

Yes, it will take me six months to do those things. Don't laugh or you will be recruited to help. Things you will be forced to do:
1)laundry
2)drive me places
3)wedding planning
4)listen to me bitch

Things that OH has that CA doesn't and Vice Versa

Now let's keep in mind that I have not seen all of CA or all of OH. The following comparisons are just little observations I happened to note.

Some of the streets in Lakewood,OH are paved with red bricks. It might have been just one street but still when we pulled out on to it David and I were scared.
Ohio has this really big freakin' lake. It's called Lake Erie and I thought "It's a lake how big could it be." Ummmm ya...really big. I thought maybe I would be able to see Canada from the shore and I couldn't. Yes folks, I am that dumb. The Pacific Ocean is huge and I can't see Japan from the beach. So what made me think I would be able to see Canada from the lake shore?

Ohio has "emergency snow streets" WTF are these streets purposes? Emergency vehicle routes? Emergency roads designated for snow landing only? It's about time they designated snow to land somewhere specific. They should really work on making that stuff illegal. There were also signs that had HC with a slash through it. What these signs meant we may never know. In fact now that David and I think about it the signs in Lorain County either explained to little or didn't explain enough. Some stoplights in Ohio are on wires. Yes wires...not posts. Must be some eastern thing.

CA still home to In n Out, not one to speak of in OH. Not a Jack in the box in sight either. Just Steak n Shakes and White Castles. Ewwww.

There are TREES in Ohio. GREEN TREES EVERYWHERE! It was like they were invading the yards and freeways.

Ohio has unified state pride when it comes to the Ohio state football team. Here we have five teams people pledge undying love for: The Trojans, The Bruins, The Golden Bears, The Cardinal, and The Fighting Irish. The rivalries make interesting family get-togethers.

Ohio is flat. California is not flat. Enough said.

Neither Impressed Nor Depressed

David and I touched down in Burbank this afternoon and oddly I did not throw myself from the plane and kiss the dry So-Cal ground. Sure, I was relieved to be home but I seem to have left Ohio in an apathetic mood and thus returned to my life here in So-Cal apathetically as well.

Ohio towns are just like towns in California. People live and work,they get gas and they go to Target. They wear jeans and shop at H+M while sucking down Starbucks. Well, some of you might say "Duh, Samina" and I don't care what you say. I was just glad no one called soda "pop" or forced me to wear a Lebron James jersey. I think I built Ohio up to be this foreign land when in reality it's just....normal. Maybe three days wasn't long enough to get a feel for the area. But this is what I realized: as the world gets bigger,population wise, it's actually getting smaller,it's becoming homogenized. There it may sound dumb but it's my mini-epiphany and again I don't care what you say.

We live in an era when big box stores and chains are thriving more or less. Yes, I know they have pushed Mom and Pops out. But think about it, big box stores and chains are experts at providing comfort and familiarity. When you are visiting a state you've never been to before you can seek solace in the box store. I visited the BN in Ohio and I felt at home. I knew I could open my mouth and ask for something,anything almost, and no one would think twice it would be handed to me and I would be sated. After you have lived in a town for a while, gradually, you will discover those fantastic holes in the wall. It is possible to sustain both kinds of retail in a community.

I told you I was working on knowing everything. What I know now is this: I think I could live in Ohio. I can't find a valid reason not to move. Am I still making the biggest of mistake of my life? Maybe. So long as there's a Target to catch me while I fall I think I just might pull through anything Ohio or life has to throw at me.

Ohio Night One: Just a Quick Note

Well, we made it. The car made it to Burbank, the first flight made it to Phoenix, the second flight to Cleveland. We secured the rental car and now we are watching the Cowboys and Eagles in our room at the Extended Stay. BTW, someone needs to tell DeSean Jackson that the football is "a baby, not a loaf of bread" you learn that in elementary football. You do not throw the baby away before scoring the touchdown.

Anyway,everything is fine. We didn't get lost, David even managed to get to Wendy's by himself. It is very green here and reminds me of Texas. However, I am looking at the environs with a super critical eye and also trying to imagine everything choked with snow. The houses look old and charming. Lots of brick with porches and lawns. No fences though, now that I think about it. I will write more as soon as I know more. Contrary to what I might tell you I don't know everything....yet.

Now is the Perfect Time to Panic

I was exhausted after work last night, my feet were sore and I was filthy with book dust. The impending trip to Ohio is bearing down on me quickly. But I knew the whole Ohio thing would happen super fast since the lease for the building was signed roughly two months ago. Each step to permanent relocation would fall like dominoes tipped by the finger of a sadistically gleeful child. But I was not prepared for the news David greeted me with last night when I settled into the car. "The boss thinks I'll be moving out permanently around October 1st," David said, then he added,"I wish I could just stay out there after this trip we take." David the sadistically gleeful child pushing the dominoes. I sat stunned,"But what about me...?" I whined. "You can come back by yourself." "I AM NOT COMING BACK ON THAT PLANE BY MYSELF!" I sat back in the seat and stared out the window into the darkness. Then I went into silent panic mode.

If David leaves at the beginning of October like projected it means we have three weeks left with each other. It means David has three weeks to get his sh*t together. Pack, secure housing, decide about his car. That also means, we will be getting married at the earliest March. F*&K!F&@k! If he leaves, how the eff am I going to get home after work each night, who is going to cook for me, HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE? Who is going to tell me TO CALM DOWN. I don't think David is panicking at all and if he is HE SURE AS HELL ISN'T SHOWING IT! I guess that's what bugs me the most about this Ohio thing is that from the beginning David has had faith that it is all going to work out. We will walk blissfully into Ohio sunset and then promptly fall into a snow drift never to been seen again by the fine folks of Lorain County.

Leaving in October is bad. Very bad. Is he jumping into this whole thing too soon? Is David ready to take on the responsibility of the warehouse? Can I live 5-8 months without him? Can he live that long without me? I can't leave in October with him. I have two jobs. I have mountains of laundry,piles of books to read. I haven't taken my last trip to Disneyland, to the beach, to my favorite malls. I haven't said good-bye to my family. I need to say good-bye properly to California. I'm not ready to leave for a 4-day trip to Ohio let alone ready to leave for permanent residence. I am terrified...am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

It's a nice day for an Anti-wedding

David and I never intended to get married. We agree that we both hate the word "wife" and that weddings are just a big show to prove to the world that the couple loves each other. Sometimes weddings are also about God but David and I are no longer practicing Catholics. Sometimes weddings are about the joining of two families David and I have spent time trying to get away from our families so yeah. Why are we getting married you ask. Good question. I ask myself that everyday. Normally, after I tell people that I am getting married and they (females mostly) squeal,hands clasped,eyes shiny, "Aren't you excited?!" I reply "Sometimes. You know it comes and it goes the feeling like you are going to vomit." I just don't see the point of it all. Unnecessary stress and money wasted for one day. David broke it down simply for me,"You can have a fancy dress and jewelery or you can have a house." Even if the house is in Ohio only a great fool would pick the former over the latter.

I immediately started eliminating things from my wedding. Wedding cake, indoor setting, bridesmaids,matching dresses/formal dress,the "wedding march",copious amounts of flowers and food, traditional vows,dance floor,"throwing the bouquet","first dances",an aisle,anything or anybody that/who needed to be rented,guests. I realized we were,at the earliest, going to be married during Lent. Again, David and I aren't practicing but some of our guests and family are, we wouldn't want you to break fast..for little ol' us no cake and booze for you! I have a friend who said it best.."When I get married I don't want it to be perfect.I want it to be private." I want that to be part of my wedding mantra.

David and I will have a small ceremony in his backyard. His oldest brother will officiate,his second oldest brother will be his best man and my best cousin will be my maid of honor. It will be short and simple and hopefully painless. We are not getting married because "it's time" or because of pressure or because I am pregnant,(Bristol Palin are you listening? Of course you aren't, the roar of the Republican Party is in your ears. ) We are getting married because we are taking a big step moving hundreds of miles away from our families and we will need each other in bad times and good times. Just like we have been for the last eight years. Nothing is changing for us just our location. Plus, who would pass up the chance to create a registry and get free stuff!

You Can't Take it with You

Two weeks from now at this time I will be on my way to Ohio. People calm down, you can turn down "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead". David and I are only going out to VISIT. We are not going out FOREVER...yet (thank God). We will be visiting the Extended Stay America and the new building and whatever we feel like because there is NO ONE to visit out there.

Many years have gone by since I have flown and I am finding it difficult to decide what I should pack for a four day trip. Especially since we will be flying from a potentially boiling hot climate to a maybe cold/hot/moderate climate. Of course, the first thought that popped into my brain was "Dear God, what if it's SNOWING when we go?" I know that it is highly unlikely to be snowing in Cleveland in mid-September. BUT WHAT IF IT IS? You are reading the insane ramblings of a girl that doesn't own a pair of socks. A girl that would rather walk to work in pouring rain than carry an umbrella. I don't like to be bundled in layers but you wouldn't know it looking at my closet which is bursting with coats, cardigans and assorted cold weather wear that I never get to wear because it's always too hot out. AND THAT IS THE WAY I LIKE IT,DAMMIT! The short of this is: I don't like being inconvenienced. This four a day trip....a huge freakin' inconvenience.

I am struggling with the fact that I can't take unlimited clothes and shoes and I won't be able to take all of my cosmetics because they are more than the three ounce carry on limit. I am determined to only take a carry on. There will be no losing of my luggage because my screams would shatter glass. The next dilemma is: "Do I take my laptop?" The airline website says I can take a purse or a laptop. Easy, I shove a Lesportsac into my suitcase and take my lappy . Or I say that this pink covered monstrosity with a Gwen Stefani desktop is really David's. I should probably take it so we have internet access and we don't have to worry about reading a map. But if my lappy gets stolen out of the hotel room my screams will shatter glass.

This four day trip has already caused headaches,anxiety,sleep loss,anger and we haven't even left yet. Take all of those emotions, multiply them by a million and you get my thoughts and feelings about relocating permanently. Everything I own and everything I have bought recently has passed the "Do I want to take this to Ohio with me?" test. Material objects take on a whole new value when you are potentially shipping them across country or paying for them to be stored. Do I really need this thingamabob? I've got twenty. But who cares. No big deal. I don't really want more.

Impending Doom and its Manifestations

Lately, I have suffered from the most extreme case of insomnia I have ever had in my life. I admit it is caffeine fueled and thus self induced but the blame cannot be solely placed on me. I blame it on my boyfriend,ahem excuse me fiance, and also I blame Ohio.

I am sure Ohio is an honorable state and I am sure that many upstanding people hail from Ohio. I however am not from Ohio. I am from California and furthermore, I am neither honorable or upstanding. If you had told me five years ago that I would one day leave the comfort and ease of Southern California for the frozen industrial north I would have laughed at you and said "Whatever, dude." Then I would have slipped my big black sunglasses on and drove to Disneyland oblivious to the possibility of anywhere other than So-Cal. But this is exactly what has happened. I am facing the impending doom of marriage and relocating to a place where I know no one and to top it all off it snows. I am terrified beyond comprehension.

Roughly six months ago my boyfriend, David, asked, "What do you think about Ohio?" I was sitting in the car watching him pour money into the car's gas tank. I said nothing because my heart had stopped. After I recovered I squeaked out," But we don't know anyone there." The company my boyfriend works for offered him a promotion to manage the Cleveland division and he took it. If that was the way it was going to be I decided we had to get married before we moved. I was sure as hell not going to move thousands of miles away from everything I have ever known without the law on my side and David legally bound to me.

So I am writing this blog as a diary of sorts to chronicle my adventure from being a small town girl from Southern California to being a snow shoveling Clevelandite...Clevelander...whatever. If would like to join me in my adventure check back here for updates. When I am feeling better about this whole Ohio thing I will write more about how all of this came to be right now I think I am going to get a cup of coffee and cry about leaving California.