Now is the Perfect Time to Panic

I was exhausted after work last night, my feet were sore and I was filthy with book dust. The impending trip to Ohio is bearing down on me quickly. But I knew the whole Ohio thing would happen super fast since the lease for the building was signed roughly two months ago. Each step to permanent relocation would fall like dominoes tipped by the finger of a sadistically gleeful child. But I was not prepared for the news David greeted me with last night when I settled into the car. "The boss thinks I'll be moving out permanently around October 1st," David said, then he added,"I wish I could just stay out there after this trip we take." David the sadistically gleeful child pushing the dominoes. I sat stunned,"But what about me...?" I whined. "You can come back by yourself." "I AM NOT COMING BACK ON THAT PLANE BY MYSELF!" I sat back in the seat and stared out the window into the darkness. Then I went into silent panic mode.

If David leaves at the beginning of October like projected it means we have three weeks left with each other. It means David has three weeks to get his sh*t together. Pack, secure housing, decide about his car. That also means, we will be getting married at the earliest March. F*&K!F&@k! If he leaves, how the eff am I going to get home after work each night, who is going to cook for me, HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE? Who is going to tell me TO CALM DOWN. I don't think David is panicking at all and if he is HE SURE AS HELL ISN'T SHOWING IT! I guess that's what bugs me the most about this Ohio thing is that from the beginning David has had faith that it is all going to work out. We will walk blissfully into Ohio sunset and then promptly fall into a snow drift never to been seen again by the fine folks of Lorain County.

Leaving in October is bad. Very bad. Is he jumping into this whole thing too soon? Is David ready to take on the responsibility of the warehouse? Can I live 5-8 months without him? Can he live that long without me? I can't leave in October with him. I have two jobs. I have mountains of laundry,piles of books to read. I haven't taken my last trip to Disneyland, to the beach, to my favorite malls. I haven't said good-bye to my family. I need to say good-bye properly to California. I'm not ready to leave for a 4-day trip to Ohio let alone ready to leave for permanent residence. I am terrified...am I making the biggest mistake of my life?