Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Speak of the Devil

Yesterday, the house heard my praise. I thought about the repercussions of listing the reasons why the house is awesome. Call it what you will: jinxing, Murphy's Law or self-fulfilling prophecy. It's as if the house could hear me say, "Hmmm. I better not praise you too much, awesome house, something bad might happen." Today the furnace broke.

David did some troubleshooting at 6 AM before heading to work and was unsuccessful getting the thing to turn on. Neither of us has ever lived in a house with the furnace/heating/thermostat set-up so David called a repairman. Then I realized I was going to have to let a stranger into the house to fix the heater.

I hate waiting for repairmen and sitting around while they work. Not because I have important places to be. But as a young female it goes against everything I've been taught about protecting myself. Don't let strangers in the house. Especially, when home alone. I feel like I should have some heavy, blunt object at hand at all times. If the repairman comments on my habit of carrying around a hammer, I'll say, "I'm from California. WE'RE CRAZY! We elected the Terminator for our governor and passed legislation that mandates commercial livestock have enough room to stand and turn in their cages before they're slaughtered!"

I spent most of the morning in bed, staying warm, as the temperature in the house registered about 40. Not drastically cold but not pleasant. I got out of bed when the repairman called to tell me he was on his way, bundled up and got a crash course in our furnace.

Moments like these I am upfront about my So-Cal bred ignorance about the ways of living in winter. I told the repairman, "I don't know how to drive in snow/heat a home/shoot a deer. I'm from California. Southern California". This gets me insider tips on how to live in Ohio. Like this tip: run water if you are going to turn the heater off at night (like we do because the heater kicking on wakes me up) so the pipes don't freeze and then burst.

The minute he said that about a thousand light bulbs turned on in my head. Last night while battling insomnia I kept hearing thuds, cracks, snaps and noises I had never heard before. I wondered if something in the house was freezing but what I couldn't say or how to go about finding out and remedying the situation were all beyond my knowledge. Yes, I have lived in cold weather before. But not like this and I was five. I have vague memories of adults talking about bursting pipes. When David turned the heater on and no heat came my fear was something vital had frozen. How will we know if the pipes burst? What if the pipes have already broken and as I type gallons of water are pooling under the house? And why is it when I call David, in a moment of true panic, he just says he'll take care of it when he gets home?

Good News: The repairman is fixing the furnace as I type. Our furnace was manufactured near-by so the part he needed was available. The furnace is old and the repair is routine. Basically, the motor was going to go out eventually. It just happened to break when the newspaper reported the coldest weather is coming our way. He fixed one problem but now there is another. Repairman just told me he needs another part. Hopefully, this one is on his truck. It's not. Back out he goes.

That's part of the bad news. Also, this is going to cost a chunk of cash. But what choice do we have? We can't stay in a house without heat. Also, David didn't call the landlord first to tell her the furnace broke and see if it was okay for him to call someone. She might have someone already under contract. So negotiations on who and how much costs are going to be covered have not been discussed. Our landlord seems reasonable and she may be fine with what we have done or she might be angry. I'm letting David handle that bit. We both need to learn how to live on our own. I got the furnace lesson and he can have the landlord lesson. As soon as we get our degree in "living as responsible adults in a cold climate" I'm taking my enlightened self back to California.


The cost of not freezing to death.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

20 things I love about this House

We moved from the apartment to the rental months ago but I never got around to posting a list of what I love about living in this house. I've never been a Susie Sunshine but everyday I thank God or whatever brought us to this rental even if it is in Ohio.


1. The working oven.
2. The microwave.
3. A kitchen big enough for two people to stand in at the same time.
4. The clean bathroom void of shady ceiling tiles.
5. A bathtub that looks like it has been cleaned in the last 5 years.
6. Dry carpet.
7. No mold or mildew eating away at my clothes.
8. Forced air heating.
9. Conveniently located within walking distance of the library and grocery store.
10. Ceiling fans.
11. Trees.
12. The backyard.
13. Natural light via windows.
14. The garage.
15. Mailbox is big enough to fit our mail.
16. The layout is eerily similar to the house I grew up in So-Cal.
17. Washer and dryer.
18. The previous owners/landlords maintained the house.
19. The previous owners/landlords are great.
20. The neighbors are pretty much awesome.

Friday, December 25, 2009

A Very Special Christmas Edition of "This Midwestern Life"

The perfect gift for the Christmas connoisseur in your life! You've certainly heard of it though few have ever seen or tasted it. Available in Midwestern grocery stores everywhere! The myth, the legend... shrink-wrapped and ready for immediate consumption!









Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Innocent

Over the weekend, when every state but us was getting dumped on with snow, I changed the title of the blog. The URL is not changing but "I'd be safe and warm if I was in L.A..." became Ohiofornia.

I never really liked the original title of the blog. It was too long, didn't look right and I never liked how L.A. could be misinterpreted to mean Louisiana. At the inception of the blog, The Mamas & The Papas lyric was the first thing that popped into my head. I knew using such a popular song lyric would get me a lot of visits when dropped into a search engine. Deep down inside I knew "I'd be safe..." was a working title. I didn't want to spend the time thinking of a new one like an Emo kid trying to get the perfect hair flip. I did what I always do and said, "Meh. Whatever." and moved on. Then one day David said I was begging to get sued. Quotation marks or no quotation marks.

What does this mean for the blog? Absolutely nothing. You can put the tissues and cheesecake away. There is no need to mourn. Okay, tissues can go, cheesecake can stay. The content of the blog is not changing. I'm still me, you're still you and cheesecake is still a perfect food.

I like the way the word Ohiofornia looks but that's about it. In a few months the title might change again. Who knows? The Internet makes it easy to change things up yet keep them the same. Questions? Concerns? Bored? The comment button is always there kind of like the local 24 hour liquor store.

Friday, December 18, 2009

This Midwestern Life

The first few months I spent here in Ohio I kept a secret from the people I met. Granted, I didn't meet many people because I refused to leave the house. I didn't tell anyone I met that I am Mexican. Mexican-American to be precise: more American than Mexican. My parents and grandparents were born in the US. Still, Mexican is a dirty word around here and since I wasn't carrying a shovel and waiting outside the Home Depot for work I confused the hell out of the people I told.

"But...But you don't look Mexican and you don't have a Mexican first name." Usually, I'm not offended when people are confused. I use the opportunity to clarify misinformation and misconceptions. One thing that bothers me about living in the Midwest is not being able to find Mexican food products .

No chorizo and no pan dulce. No Ibarra chocolate, no tamarind candy and no little corner burrito shack. I have never seen a sno-cone truck and they call chicharrones pork rinds. I can't get cinnamon sticks for arroz con leche and I can't get masa for tamales. Not that it matters because I was always absent from the tamale making tutorials at my Nina's. But still, I can't even try because I can't get the ingredients. I can't get good tortillas. I can't get corn tortillas and for the longest time I couldn't even get good refried beans.

Behold, the Midwestern can of refried beans:



I'm surprised they don't call them Fiesta Arriba Arriba beans and have a picture of a sombrero-wearing donkey. To make matters worse they taste like chili beans. WTF. Can a girl get some Rosarita beans or Ortega? And don't try to sell me that Goya stuff! For the last time, I am Mexican, not Spanish. Goya specializes in Hispanic and South American food. Has the whole world gone crazy? Are Mexicans not the fastest growing ethnicity? Or am I just in the Midwest?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A Book Review: Blogging for Bliss


While poking around our little library by the lake I found Tara Frey's book, Blogging for Bliss: Crafting Your Own Online Journal: A Guide for Crafters, Artists & Creatives of all Kinds. I turned the book around in my hand, flipped through it and hesitated which should have told me that this book wasn't for me. But it said "Creatives of all Kinds" in the title so I said, "What the hell. Why not?" and shoved it under all the chick-lit in my book bag.

A red flag popped up in the first chapter in a section about finding an audience: "Keep in mind that creative blog readers come to your journal to escape, so it can be disappointing or uncomfortable for them when they see political rants, religious overtones, or foul language, If you want that type of blog, you may be in the wrong neighborhood." Uh-oh. Political rants? Check. Religious overtones? Check. Foul language? Definitely. Not only am I not in the same neighborhood as these "creative blogs", I'm not even on the same planet. However, I forged ahead determined to finish a book I started.

Tara Frey writes,"Photos can make or break a creative, blissful blog. When I polled readers on my own site, 91 percent of them said they would rather see a photo that doesn't match the post than no photo at all. What does this mean for your own site? Simply that when you post, the curtains don't have to match the couch." Let's apply this, shall we?



Why did I post a picture of a sink of dirty dishes? Well, Tara said ya'll would want to see a picture even if it had nothing to do with my post. Somehow, I don't think that is what she meant and if she was next to me right now she would smack me upside the head with a wooden spoon tied with grosgrain ribbon and say, "Post a picture of something pretty or artsy, you silly, billy goosey-goose!" Then, like Glinda the Good Witch, she would get in a bubble and float back to her blog, where kittens play with yarn and pies cool on window sills. Let's try again, this time with more art and less snark.


Ahhh. Is that better? I thought so.

In between chapters there are profiles of bloggers. I stopped and checked some of these out and was given further proof I was in the wrong zip code. These women all had hobbies and interests listed under their blog name. Hobbies like: quilting, sewing, gardening and the all-encompassing crafting. None of which I do because I have just enough skill and patience to complete a paint-by-number. Then the author asked them to list other blogs they read and wouldn't you know they all read each others blogs! None of them listed, What Would Tyler Durden Do?, Perez Hilton, Go Fug Yourself, Deadspin or Evil Beet Gossip. Which are the blogs I read and more evidence of my not belonging.

The author included a "Blog Speak" section where she lists commonly used Internet abbreviations. I am merrily going down the list when I see OMG which she explains is short for "Oh my gosh". WTF, OMG is short for "Oh my God" not "Oh my gosh". Whatever, moving on to ROTFLOL, "rolling on the floor laughing out loud"? Well, it would be really odd if you rolled on the floor quietly because then someone might think you are having a seizure. SOL is "smiling out loud" not "shit out of luck" like I have been led to believe all my life. My personal fave WTF, "what the fuck", didn't even make the list. What you just read is one of the author's pet peeves, "Don't make mom wash your mouth out with soap. Foul language on a creative blog is a bad, bad thing. I was really surprised at how frequently this occurs. Because creative blogs are so visual, this is really like seeing profane graffiti spray-painted on your driveway. Not cool." Now, I have established that I am not living on Creative Blogger Court, a cul-de-sac in the suburbs or a country cottage in Connecticut, I also do not radiate goodness and light. How could this book possibly be for me?

Well, it does explain simple HTML, (I could have used that info last week when the Rhett & Link Video didn't want to embed instead of bugging my informal editor Tom.) tips on taking photographs and properly posting them, how to run a business from your blog and has a section on blogging platforms. Also, included are several helpful glossaries. The book is full of beautiful, glossy pictures that would make Martha Stewart and Mary Engelbreit cry. As a very pretty beginner's guide it serves it's purpose well. So well, in fact, that I passed the title along to a friend who wanted to start her own blog but wasn't sure where to start. It's just like Tara says, "For those who blog for bliss, it's a need for personal expression and a passion for sharing their lives or crafts that drives their blogs. Although they receive no monetary gain, these bloggers will tell you that the satisfaction of giving, sharing and inspiring others is priceless." My friend was inspired by my cynical blog to start her own. While I may not be "blogging for bliss", just being a plain ol' blogging bitch, I did inspire one person and isn't that more important when all is said and done?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Walking in a Winter Wear Wonderland

Moving to Ohio in the Spring gave me more than enough time to prepare for the winter. I had a running list of questions about winter wear. What fabrics are the warmest for a coat? Wool is warm but it can get smelly if it gets wet and is never properly cleaned. How should it fit? When purchasing a coat I had to consider how active I might be outside. Walking to the house from the car was easy but what about longer walks in parking lots? I figured flat boots are better than heeled if you do a lot of walking. The boots must come over your ankle so snow can't get in and cause loss of toes. Hats are important but they cause hat hair so I bought a coat with a hood because I am vain. What do you do with your wet and cold coat when you go shopping? to a restaurant? How do you dress for a business casual job AND the cold? You know when you get to your desk the heat is going to be cranked way the hell up and you are going to slowly roast in your clothes. Over the summer most of my questions were answered by friends but I still had some lurking in the back of my brain.

About a week ago the awesome online store Modcloth (well, they were awesome until they started selling ugly holiday sweaters for $25 in their vintage section. You know the kind that end up at the Goodwill after Grandma dies and her children realize it is not 1988. The kind hipsters wear to "Ugly Sweater Parties". I hate them. Hipsters and ugly sweaters.) posted a little web video about how to dress stylishly but still stay warm during the bleak winter months when you are sure the sun is never going to shine again. Maybe this Modcloth video would answer some of my questions so I could stop asking the people around me and they could have some quiet for once. I kept in mind that the video was also an advertisement for (the sometimes pricey) products in their store but was still excited to hear what they had to say. As a California girl I take all the advice I can get about how to dress in the winter.

Like the winter wear spreads in my fave magazines and online articles this video was a disappointment. The host only touched the tip of the iceberg on coats, hats, layering and wearing "colorful and fun accessories". The host was a former South Floridian now living in Pittsburgh and that was the only advice she had? She never discussed boots or how to wear a dress in the cold. (I'll never wear a dress in the winter because I hate tights. Tights are for little girls. They don't mind when the crotch of their tights migrates toward their knees. Little girls also don't mind having the circulation to their mid-sections cut off because they don't have mid-sections.) The host mentioned how excited she was to finally wear mittens and scarves. Look, lady, I love fashion just as much as the next girl but bundling up is a major pain in the ass. I don't care if a whole other world of fashion is open to me now, I hate it. I like the freedom warm weather gives me to just throw on a light sweater and some flimsy shoes and head out. Late for work? No problem. Just roll out of bed, roll around on your floor and BAM! you are dressed for work. Late for work in Ohio? CRAP! WHERE IS MY (expletive deleted) SCARF!? I CAN'T WEAR THESE BOOTS THEY HAVE A HEEL! I WILL SLIP ON A PATCH OF ICE AND CRACK MY HEAD OPEN! I don't like being inconvenienced and dressing so I don't die of cold is an inconvenience. However, death is a major inconvenience so I'll just stick to bundling up.


Semi-unrelated side note: Speaking of fashion freedom. There is a repeat fashion freedom offender in our midst and her name is Lady Gaga. I have seen enough of that girl's crotch and ass to last me a lifetime. You know who else likes to walk around sans pants? Toddlers. But you don't see anyone offering them the cover of V. I just realized the words "crotch" and "ass" appeared numerous times in this blog. That is all.

This Midwestern Life

In California we call this game Beanbag Toss and it's commonly played by children at birthday parties. When I moved to Ohio and someone asked me if I wanted to play Cornhole I said, "Excuse me? You want me to what?".

No one and I mean no one explains the game of Cornhole better than Rhett & Link. A photograph would have not done the mighty game of Cornhole justice. You need to see the game in action.






Fun Fact: The North Ridgeville, Ohio Corn Festival has a Cornhole Tournament. However, the Cornhole Tournament is not a North Ridgeville Corn Festival Committee, Inc. sponsored event.

Friday, December 4, 2009

This Midwestern Life

New segment time! YAY! To break up the monotony of my endless snark and whining. DOUBLE YAY!

Every Friday (if I can remember) I will post a picture of something Midwestern. I should have been doing this from day one because now I have a mental back log of pictures I should have taken. This is going to cause major trouble in my marriage because David has a difficult time already dragging me away from stores and keeping me from the shoe department. Now he is going to have to drag me away from photographing roadkill and trying not to make more roadkill when I inevitably scream, "STOP THE CAR! I SO HAVE TO GET THAT FOR MY BLOG!" So for now I will stick with some very tame material and I will work up from there. Okay.



Sloppy Joe Mix. One of the ultimate comfort foods and a staple in the Midwestern home. Excellent on wheat hamburger buns or Triscuits. Sometimes we forgo eating Sloppy Joe mix with a grain and just eat it straight out of the skillet with a spoon.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Rewind

I am very behind on posting. I've been busy actually living life that I haven't had time to blog. When I say, "living life", I mean sitting around playing Farmville and whining to David about him refusing to buy me a $15 dollar, black and pink, reversible Le Tigre Puffer Vest on clearance at JC Penney. The vest was marked down from $50! How can we pass that deal up? I am going to get that vest.

Anyway, so Halloween came and went and so did Thanksgiving and in between those two holidays we had our first house guests. David's oldest brother and his girlfriend came to visit us for, like, two days.

Halloween was uneventful. We didn't go anywhere or dress-up. We did hand out candy and had tons left over. That might have been because we over bought or because the county designates trick-or-treating times for each community. Our town had a two hour slot on 10/31. A town a few miles away had to trick-or-treat the Thursday before Halloween. How this works is beyond me. Do the cops give you a ticket for being out past the designated time? I understand that it is safer to designate a time but it just seems odd. Also, odd was that no one was knocking on our door to get candy until David and I sat out on the porch with the stuff. We had our porch light on and our pumpkin out but no kids. The neighbors were all sitting on their porches so I guess, if it is not snowing, you sit on the porch and hand out candy.

Then my brother-in-law and his girlfriend stayed with us and we had lots of fun. David and I baked a lasagna, I made brownies and I went on a cleaning spree to prepare for their visit that made David hate me. They didn't visit for very long but we squeezed a lot into that short time. Like staring at Lake Erie and driving through our town which takes five minutes.

Thanksgiving was also uneventful. David bought a 20 pound turkey for $5. We planned on roasting that sucker and eating for a month. It took a long time to thaw. Even after sticking it in the bathtub (the only place it would fit) filled with cold water. The turkey wasn't done until 11 at night but that was okay because it was just us eating. After the turkey roasting and carving hoopla was over the kitchen was a mess. My OCD flared and I spent days cleaning turkey off the walls and being angry. You see David and I have very different cooking and cleaning methods.

I picked up a nasty habit while working at Stables & Grand Booksellers called, "working clean". Whenever we started a project we were told to: "Work Clean." I know when I cook I am, inevitably, going to make a mess so I work in such a way that minimizes the clean-up job after. Mainly, I don't cook anything that requires more than a bowl, spoon and saucepan. If I can eat without using utensils (bananas are a great example) and if I can eat over the sink, even better. David also knows that when he cooks he is going to make a mess. Instead of trying to reduce the mess he makes he makes even more of a mess. Different logic is at work here. David figures he is going to have to clean anyway so why not just go crazy. But more often I am the one cleaning the kitchen because David's idea of cleaning is flawed. The boy has no eye for detail. "What? The floor is gritty with turkey grease and pepper dust? I got rice all over the stove? Where? Where are all the wadded up paper towels, food scraps and lids to condiment jars?" If David wanted to live in a frat house he should have stayed in college. David would just say I have a serious problem and an unrealistic view of how clean the house should be. But it's not like he is going to pay to get me help and I don't mean a maid, I mean a therapist. So I guess he is stuck with me and a clean house. Whatever, he can buy me that vest and I would probably be nice enough let him roll around in dirt for a week.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Now you attack my franchise?! There is no franchise to attack.

Living in Cleveland means root, root, rooting for the home team. Even if the home team is on a embarrassing losing streak, like the Cleveland Browns football team has been experiencing, for the last ten years. Needless to say, loyal Browns fans are fed-up. When Coach Eric Mangini (who has only been on the dawg leash for a season) asked the fans what the team should do, I snidely commented, "Uh, I think they want you to win, Coach. Duh. Maybe get a better mascot than a dog or a brownie elf. Either that or go home where you will be promptly egged." Fans are talking about boycotting the games. Oh and the general manager was fired this week. There is something rotten in the State of Cleveland and for once it's not the Cuyahoga River.

A dawg



The Brownie not to be confused with a Girl Scout

Attending a Browns game was on my "Becoming a Clevelander" to-do list. I had never been to an NFL game and was anxious to see one even if it was for a lousy team. When David learned that the Browns were scheduled to play the Green Bay Packers he was first in line to buy tickets because he is a Green Bay fan. Why David is a Green Bay Packers fan is a very good question. We are not from Wisconsin and we have never been to Wisconsin. We didn't even grow up eating Wisconsin cheese. We ate California cheese. Maybe it's that lovable rascal Brett Favre, their former QB. Maybe it's their current QB, Aaron Rodgers, a California Native (northern, but I guess we can let that slide) and a former Cal State Berkeley QB but David didn't attend Cal. I have no explanation for David being a Cheesehead. So-Cal natives are weird about following NFL teams. Even with three teams in California it's perfectly acceptable to follow a team from across the country. Is it difficult to establish NFL fan bases in California because it's so big? Is basketball more important? Are Californians more preoccupied with paparazzi shots of celebrities shopping in Beverly Hills and hitting cars with umbrellas than professional sports? Maybe all the fair California weather breeds fair weather fans. In Ohio the weather sucks and the sports teams suck, but what else can you do?


Aaron Rodgers (right) tries to throw a ball at Brett Favre (left) in an effort to knock Brett down and get out from underneath Brett's shadow. photo courtesy of the NFL. Please don't sue me, Commish.

Cleveland takes football and drinking very seriously and when you combine the two you get tailgating. Tailgating is an integral part of the Cleveland Browns experience. All the food and alcohol numb the pain of a loss. We were going to the game with a few of David's co-workers and there was talk of tailgating. When this news got back to me I immediately went into panic mode. We aren't Mid-westerners and don't know how to tailgate. Don't you need a truck to tailgate? Can you even tailgate out of a Kia Optima? Tailgating requires organization. Someone has to bring a grill and all the wives bust out Crock-Pots. Someone brings utensils, drinks, chairs with built-in cup holders. I told David if we were going to tailgate we were going to do it right. I had visions of our half-assed tailgate party getting laughed out of the Municipal Lot, which locals call the Muni Lot, the mecca of Browns Tailgating. I had nightmares of standing in the cold for six hours before kickoff with nothing but cold hot dogs and warm beer. Furthermore, David says, "We aren't Browns Fans." Then why were we going to spend the day fraternizing with them? Much to my delight Failgate didn't happen and I slept in the morning of the game.

Cleveland Browns Stadium is a newer, uncovered stadium, located Downtown, on the shore of Lake Erie. (Fun Fact: The old stadium was demolished and pieces were dumped into the lake thus creating an artificial reef.) The stadium is notoriously cold and the fans notoriously colder to visiting opposition. I started to hear horror stories of unruly, beer throwing fans harassing visitors and their own. I was told as long as we weren't Pittsburgh fans we would be relatively safe. I debated attending the game fearing for our safety. I thought about smuggling in pepper spray. Finally, I pushed my fear aside and we decided to dress as a neutral football fans (no Packers beanie or sweatshirt for David). This posed a problem when I dressed for the game. Every time I reached for a jacket it was green. I struggled to strike a balance between staying warm and staying alive by looking generic. I figured it wasn't going to be really cold. After all, it was an afternoon game in October not a night game in December. I skipped the gloves, parka and blanket. I was having a major wardrobe meltdown and the plan to look neutral was deteriorating. I considered sending David to the store for a Browns jersey to speed up the whole dressing process. He refused saying we were never going to attend another Browns game and he wasn't going to waste money. Really, I just saw an excuse to expand my wardrobe.

We were pleasantly surprised when we arrived and saw just as many Cheeseheads (literally, they had the foam cheese on their heads) filing into the stadium with the Browns fans. It seemed David would have been in good company but this was our first game and I felt better getting a feel for the situation rather than running head first into a freight train, like the Browns did. The Packers smacked the Browns and as the gap between the scores widened the Packers fans grew louder and the Browns fans grew sullen leaving in droves after each bad play. By the third quarter the Dawg Pound was silent and the Packers fans were the only fans heard. I politely clapped the entire game when the Browns did something right and did so until the painful last quarter. David grew bold, bolstered by nearby Packers fans, and he cheered along with them. At this point he turned and told me, "It's okay you can stop pretending to be a Browns fan now." I paused and considered this but I'm not a Packers fan either. At that point I realized I was just a football fan.

Being a football fan and not following a team means I don't care who is playing. As long as those players are running into each other in full gear at top speed I am happy. If I can hear the sickening crash and thud of contact as players tackle each other, even better. I like to hear quarterbacks scream audibles. I believe in standing up for the kickoff and screaming CHARGE! I think old pictures of Joe Namath sitting on the sidelines in a fur coat are hilarious. I like knowing what the penalty flag on the field is for even before the ref calls it. Does loving those things make me a bad fan because I have no loyalty to a team? If loving all of that football minutiae is wrong, well then, I guess I don't want to be right.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tales of the Domestically Challenged: Sugar Cookies

Today was a beautiful autumn day in Ohio. The sun was shining, the death-like cold wind that comes off the lake ceased for just long enough to let the temperature creep up to a whopping 59 degrees. Naturally, I spent this gorgeous day trapped inside the kitchen baking (ruining) sugar cookies. Since Saturday is Halloween I thought it would be nice to send David off to work, on Friday, with a batch of cookies for the boys who tirelessly work with him. After all, I am the "boss's wife". What better thing for a boss's wife to do than bake cookies? I wasn't doing anything else, anyway.

Originally, I was going to buy pre-made sugar cookie dough. You know the kind you just slice and shove in the oven, the timer dings! and mmm-mmm instant, delicious cookies. Somehow, I got it into my head that making sugar dough from scratch would be better. If at least, inexpensive and more time-consuming. I dug around online for a recipe and basked in my intelligence for requesting the necessary baking items on my wedding registry. Bright red mixing bowls,(so cheery!), cookie sheets and cooling racks (so useful!) and a hand-held electric mixer (so ergonomical!).

I threw the butter and sugar in a bowl and turned the mixer on...or I thought I did. It was plugged in and yet nothing. I thought about taking my mixer to the neighbor and asking her, "Am I crazy or is this thing not working?" She has a child and a husband and if anyone can help me right now it's her. I should have aborted the mission right then and there and hightailed it to the grocery store for that pre-made dough but I was determined. I set the mixer aside and poked at the butter and sugar with a spoon and followed the recipe. The dough was really crumbly, and I thought to myself, "This doesn't look right. Well, silly, of course it doesn't look right you tortured it with a spoon instead of using a mixer." Then I kneaded it with my hands and it instantly looked better. Then I shoved it in the freezer, don't ask me why, something about cookie cutters, but I had to take the gin out of the freezer first and shuffle the frozen pizzas around. Then I got on iChat and Facebook to pout. I left the dough in the freezer long enough for it to be unmanageable when removed.

I rolled the dough out and used Halloween cookie cutters. I begged David to pay $2 for six plastic cutters and I had to promise to use them year round. Which was fine, I was probably going to do that anyway. I don't care if I eat cookies in the shape of a cat all year long. I preheated the oven, stuck them in and watched them bake. Surprisingly, they smelled like sugar cookies. I was excited. This was going to work! Look at me, I'm baking cookies! GET ME A JUNE CLEAVER APRON STAT! Then I took them out and ate one. I chewed and chewed. Hmmm, they aren't bad but they aren't good either. Something wasn't right about them but since I didn't know what I just kept making them out of that first batch of dough. I sprinkled sugar on them, still no change in taste. I thought to myself "Sprinkles! What these cookies need are orange sprinkles." Because sprinkles would have made these atrocities taste better, really. I ended up throwing out the last bit of dough. Not because it was bad, (okay, maybe it was) but because I was sick of rolling and cutting. I did the only thing you can do in this situation, I sat down in the middle of the kitchen and cried. I cried because I had failed and I was alone and in Ohio. I was thousands of miles from the people I would normally turn to for help, mostly my mom.

So I threw in the cutesy dish towel, walked to the store and bought a soda. I was so defeated I bought two sodas. "What a waste of the day,"I thought to myself, "I could have walked to the library. I could have read a book or had a margarita." I called my mom. While my mom isn't the mommiest of moms she is still a mom and when I told her of my defeat in the kitchen the first question out of her mouth was, "Well, did you follow the recipe?". Did I follow the recipe?! Of course I followed the *$#&^% recipe! If I hadn't I wouldn't even have a mediocre finished product.

Being domestically challenged is like not being athletic or not possessing rhythm. Except those are all socially acceptable. Even though it's 2009 and not 1949 it is still socially unacceptable to be female and not be a domestic goddess. Today's women have to have a career outside "the home" and still know how to sew a button. I lack the genes needed to be a domestic goddess. I want to blame my mom for either not passing the genes down or taking me to the mall when she should have been teaching me to bake but I can't. I love my mom too much to do that. I guess I could try again or I could wait until David gets home, see the look of disgust on his face when he eats a cookie and vow never to try again. I could try and accept the fact that I am domestically challenged goddess.

A wise co-worker once told me, "If you can read you can cook." I believed her. After all, I read all the time. It's not that hard, this reading thing. Do you know what is hard though? Accepting yourself. Standing up and saying, "I can't knit and do not feel the need to bake a cake and procreate all at the same time. Do you see this man here? He married me anyway! Even if I don't know the difference between baking powder and baking soda, but thank God, the Internet can tell me. He loves me and all my faults and really isn't that all that matters?"

Friday, October 23, 2009

Please Won't you be my Neighbor?


When you live in California you don't really get to know your neighbors. You might wave at them while you are building the eight foot fence that is going to separate your yard from theirs and hopefully keep those stray baseballs from sailing onto your property. There are exceptions but I think knowing your neighbors is a Midwestern thing. Maybe you just don't need your neighbors in California like you need them here. When you are snowed in your neighbor might end up being the only contact you have with another person.

I grew up in a small town; if you weren't related to everyone, you at least knew them in some capacity. Way back then, half the houses on the block were family. Time passed and that changed until only a few strongholds were left. We never met the people who moved into those vacated houses. We just glared at them from afar and thought "That was the house my grandmother grew up in, it survived the flood of 1928 and you are defiling it with that Oakland Raiders flag." Slowly we forgot which houses were which and went about our lives.

David and I never really met our neighbors in the apartment complex. We waved or made polite conversation in the parking lot. We were the only ones on our floor so there really wasn't anyone to get to know. People who live in apartments are generally people on the move. In the seven months I lived there, out of the twelve apartments in our building, only half were occupied when we moved out. I knew when we moved into a house we would have to talk to our neighbors. Of course, I fretted about this. This was uncharted territory and required etiquette skills I knew I didn't possess. Or did I? Could I be neighborly? Could I learn to extend an olive branch if not at least a cup of olive oil if asked? David and I got lucky. The day we signed the lease the previous tenant/landlord walked us over and introduced us to the neighbors. David was sick that day and we were on our way to run errands so we were only introduced to one set. Did the landlord want to introduce us to the other set? I worried about our hasty departure. What if we never had the oppurtunity to introduce ourselves again? How do you know when your neighbors want to talk and be social and when they don't? I was nearly hyperventilating as David, between sneezes, growled at me.

Our neighbors, the set we were introduced to at least, seem like nice people. We greet them when we happen to be out in the driveway at the same time and have had a few chats. I hope they think David and I are nice too, but really, I fear we are weird in their eyes. They know we are from California and around here that means automatically strange. Maybe they don't think David is weird but let's be honest, David is as normal as apple pie on the 4th of July. He wears jeans and t-shirts, has a job in a warehouse and drives a car and has a normal name. I am unemployed and I don't drive. I have an unpronounceable name, I wear my hair in Princess Leia buns and big, Hollywood sunglasses in the backyard while I read or watch David rake leaves. God forbid, I pick up a rake and even attempt yard work. Bugs fly near me and I run screaming, arms flailing until I realize they are just ladybugs. I pick my way across the lawn because I think the crickets are going to bite me.

They must think we are crazy. We own two cars, but were only in possession of one when we moved in. The extra car was on loan to a co-worker of David's. The car broke down and we had it towed to our house to get it off the co-workers hands. The car was towed with his kid's car seats in the back. I wondered what the neighbors must have thought. Here we were telling them we had no kids and suddenly a car with not one, but two, kid's car seats appears out of nowhere. Another time David and I returned from a late night shopping trip and the neighbor happened to be in the driveway, which we share. David owns a board game called Friedrich.

Friedrich had been hanging out in the trunk of David's car so he wouldn't forget to take it to his board game buddy's house. As we were removing our shopping bags, I loudly asked David, "Does Friedrich stay in the trunk?". I just about died of embarrassment and quickly prayed "Dear Lord, please don't let the neighbors think we have a body in the trunk of our car. You see Lord, I'm really new to this whole neighbor thing and I really want to make a good impression and I must already seem like a neurotic California girl when I'm really not. Okay, so maybe I have a touch of OCD and hysteria but really doesn't everyone? Thanks for listening." It seems I have a long way to go with this whole learning how to be a neighbor.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Boo Who

Here is part two of my fake whohub interview:

What did you first read? How did you begin to write? Who were the first to read what you wrote?
(is it me or are these horribly worded questions?) I was no child prodigy I'm sure the first things I read were children's picture books and then as my skills evolved whatever was put in front of me or whatever I could get my hands on. Like every child, I was vain and began writing my name and then the alphabet in crayon. My mom was the first person to read what I wrote because she was the one who found me scrawling my name in books and on my toys. I avoided writing on the walls because no one wants to get spanked twice.

What is your favorite genre? Can you provide a link to a site where we can read some of your work or learn something about it? (there they go again asking for links.) I don't see how providing a link to my work has anything to do with my fave genre of writing. I really like to read books. Mostly chick-lit and newer lighter fiction with history,cultural studies, essays and bios thrown in to keep my adoring public guessing my IQ.


What is your creative process like? What happens before sitting down to write?

Sometimes I go out and have an "experience" so I have something to write about then I usually spend a few days pushing sentences and ideas around in my head. I get some caffeine then I power up the lappy and start typing. I force some internet troll friends to edit the post before and after it's been up then I keep revising mostly for technical errors.


What type of reading inspires you to write?

Reading short essays and other blogs. Reading the works of David Sedaris, Jen Lancaster, Jancee Dunn, Sarah Vowell and Chuck Klosterman.

What do you think are the basic ingredients of a story?
Believable characters, well-thought out dialogue and a just a bit of fairy dust. Either a story grabs you or it doesn't. Does anyone really know why?


What voice do you find most to your liking: first person or third person?

That really depends on the story being told. If a writer uses the first person, the risk of the audience thinking the author is just writing a thinly veiled memoir in the form of fiction runs high. Third person seems like a no-brainer but it can be difficult to create good characters because the writing can get hollow or overly
dramatic.


What well known writers do you admire most?

There are a lot of talented writers in the world who consistently produce quality work but I don't think I admire them. I really, really like them. If the line wasn't too long I'd like meet them and shake their hand. I admire people I know in real life.

What is required for a character to be believable?
How do you create yours?

None of my characters have ever been believable. If I knew what was required I'd be the first to share my wisdom. I'm a little short on wisdom today so how about some cynicism instead?

Are you equally good at telling stories orally? I don't know how to tell a story. That's why I started blogging.

Deep down inside, who do you write for?
Me, duh and my cat she's my biggest fan.

Is writing a form of personal therapy? Are internal conflicts a creative force?
Writing is an excellent form of therapy so obviously the more internal conflicts you have the better your writing is going to be for other people to read. Readers want to identify with the writing. What better way to do that than with the fears and problems every one faces daily? It's the whole "I'm not alone. I'm not the only one who throws salt over my shoulder. Thank God." thing.


Does reader feed-back help you?

Definitely. There is nothing worse than thinking your joke is funny when it's not. Honesty is the best policy.

Do you participate in competitions? Have you received any awards?
Not anymore. I did in middle school. Won some awards but they weren't national or anything. Looking back it seems more like a "big fish in small pond" situation.

Do you share rough drafts of your writings with someone whose opinion you trust?
Sometimes. But my dad told me to "trust no one" so yeah.

Do you believe you have already found "your voice" or is that something one is always searching for?
Sometimes I think I have found my voice but then sometimes I think I'm still searching. I like to start my search in the refrigerator. Alcohol loosens the tongue quite nicely.

What discipline do you impose on yourself regarding schedules, goals, etc.?
I lack discipline in all areas of my life.


What do you surround yourself with in your work area in order to help your concentrate?

(looks like a typo there whohub.) Caffeine, a window and iTunes.

Do you write on a computer? Do you print frequently? Do you correct on paper? What is your process?
On the lappy, no printing or correcting on paper. (we need trees for breathing not reading my drivel) Didn't you guys ask me about my process once already? This interview is getting long and I finished my Dr.Pepper like five questions ago. NEXT QUESTION PLEASE THANK YOU! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY PEOPLE! THE SUN IS OUT AND I LIVE IN OHIO I NEED TO MAKE AN OFFERING TO THE GODS BEFORE THE SNOW STARTS!


What sites do you frequent on-line to share experiences or information?

Arrrgh! Again with the wanting of sites! I'm a hobbit I don't share my experiences with any other site except for facebook and blogger. WHERE'S MY AGENT OR MY MANAGER! THIS IS GETTING OLD FAST! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE A MANAGER? WELL GET ME ONE!


What has been your experience with publishers?

No experiences to speak of. Unless you count the self-published wackos that use to come into Stables & Grand Booksellers and demand that I sell their ISBN-less, spiral-bound book of conspiracy theories or they would have us shut down because they knew the CEO.


What are you working on now?

This interview and ya'll are working on my last nerve.

What do you recommend I do with all those things I wrote years ago but have never been able to bring myself to show anyone?
Is it poetry you wrote in high school before emo caught on? You might want to just burn it all and start over. Stories or essays you might be able to salvage. Join a class or a writing group and re-work the good stuff.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Then the Whos Down in Whohub Will All Cry Boo-hoo!

This morning, before I went winter coat shopping, I received an email to join whohub.net. I had never heard of whohub and immediately thought it was a scam. The email invited me to join a free community of artists and writers by answering a set of interview questions about my chosen craft. My answers would get their own snazzy (generic) page and my name would be listed in the directory next to other people know one cares about. I did a Google search to ascertain whether or not this whohub really was a scam. All I found were people,just like me, feebly yelling into the vast caverns of the Internet wanting to know if whohub was here to harm or help. There were a lot of people who said it was a scam but had not been victimized. Whohub never asked anyone for their credit info or spammed anyone to death. (Why are we so afraid of spam anyway? Just delete it people; it's not like you have to open it.) It seemed like whohub was just like that Who's Who Among American High School Students offer. Unlike Who's Who, whohub doesn't shame your parents into buying a book that has no more value than a flower press. In conclusion, Whohub is cheesy and useless just like all the other social networking sites we use.

However, my vanity reared its ugly head and I desperately wanted to answer a set of questions about my all so important creative ventures in order to network with other Internet trolls. After a lengthy iChat discussion with a friend we decided answering whohub's questions was harmless. It was important to remember this would not lead to jobs or fame like many people might have thought. I didn't want to join but my friend suggested that if I so desperately wanted to navel-gaze I could just answer those questions here on my blog. So I chose the two sets of questions closest to what I do, or think I do, and will answer them in a two-part blog. Enjoy!


What is your blog address? What subjects do you deal with?

Well, you are already here so it seems useless to repeat the address but what the heck: http://socalcentric.blogspot.com/. I tend to blog the most about being a California girl in a strange Ohio world and the never ending fun that is married life.

What was it that made you create your blog? On what date did you start it?

I started the blog as way to vent about the ways of a world I just don't understand and to keep my friends up-to-date about my life so I wouldn't have to repeat myself a hundred times a day. I started the blog in Spring/Summer of '08? when I learned my life was going to drastically change and decided it was "too late for second guessing too late to go back to sleep it's time to trust my instincts close my eyes: and leap".

What blogging system have you adopted and why?
System? Is that like what server I use or like my blogging process? Clearly, I am an amateur.

How many visits a day do you get? What type of comments do you receive?

I don't have a clue how many visits I get a day. Does blogger.com even keep track daily? I get comments sporadically. Mostly my friends and relatives lamenting and laughing with or at me.

How has 'having a blog' contributed to your life?

'It gives me something to do with my smart-ass attitude and Eeyore-like tendencies. Though that hasn't stopped me from being a brat in real life.'

Have you created relationships with other bloggers or readers of your blog?

Not really. I'm not sure. That's a tough questions relationships are two-way streets. Blogs tend to be one-way.

How often do you post? Does regular posting of your blog require a lot of effort on your part?

I try to post 1-3 times a month. Regular posting can be difficult if I haven't done anything blog-worthy. Let's face it no one wants to hear about what your cat threw up or how long it takes to brush your teeth.

Does blogging bring in income for you? Can one make a living from posting?

If blogging provided a steady income I wouldn't be wearing $5 jeans from the Goodwill. I'm sure there have been financially successful bloggers but you really have to be good or relevant or just lucky and I don't think it's the posting that brings the income. I think it's getting picked up by a news outlet or publishing a book. Today it seems to be all about branding not just musing.

How do you promote your blog?

Generally, I just yell at my friends on Facebook or post a link to it when I think the blog is especially amusing.

How would you define your readers? Have you got a faithful audience?

My readers are friends and family. So that means they have to be faithful they are blood. They are all about my age or share my sense of humor.

Are there any blogs you follow daily or regularly?
(this is where they ask you to list the web site addresses. I assume that's how they got my info and many other peoples.) Nah, I don't think the websites need listing. Mostly gossip sites and parody sites. I'm pretty generic so stuff like cakewrecks and perez hilton.

How do you see your blog evolving in the future?
I hope it gets technically better.

What advice would you give to someone who wishes to begin a blog?

I'm hardly one to give out advice. But I guess just go for it, write about what you want when you want. Just keep it cohesive, read it over, have others edit it and don't take yourself too seriously.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Let's not do this again some time

Summertime is the most advantageous time to relocate. The weather is nice and items that need to be loaded on and off the truck can be staged in the yard with no fear of inclement weather. If one has children, they are most likely out of school and if they are old enough to help pack and carry boxes even better. Once the move is complete the new tenants can enjoy the sunshine by walking the block, meeting the neighbors and sitting in the yard. Unfortunately, the lease for our apartment was up at the beginning of September or the beginning of the end of the good weather in Northeast Ohio. David and I were lucky the weekend we moved it only threatened to rain, the sky hissed and spit but never opened for a downpour. This move wasn't the easiest or hardest I've ever had to make.

At this point I estimate that I have moved at least a dozen times. Averaged out that's a move every 2 years. I am a seasoned and organized mover. I've moved across country, counties and towns sometimes by myself and sometimes not. I estimate David has moved half a dozen times with the most activity being in the last year for an average of a move every 4 years. David has moved more times by himself than I have and yet David is not an organized mover.

A week before the move David brought home boxes and assured me we would have help on moving day. I started to pack unneeded items and made a Goodwill pile. I packed the bathroom, kitchen and bedroom last. Those rooms would need to be unpacked first when we reached the new rental. David dragged his feet a little renting a U-haul and made me nervous but a truck was eventually secured. I staged as many boxes and furniture in the living room so when moving day came we wouldn't have to trek through the apartment to get stuff. I put items that couldn't go in the truck in a closet, to go in the car later, and closed the door. Mostly breakable knickknacks because the only packing material we had were the bath towels we registered for and those had to be used to pack the kitchen.

On moving day I was packed and ready to get going. I was like, "Let's go! Let's do this!" David was like, "Yawn, lemme get on the Internet and make sure Aaron Rodgers hasn't broken his throwing arm in a freak Wisconsin cheese-making accident." As he did this I hopped from foot to foot badgering him about breakfast. Was he going to eat? Because the frying pan was still out and we had eggs and if he wasn't going to eat I wanted to know if I could pack the rest of the kitchen. He wanted to know why I was asking him to make snap decisions and I snapped at him "BECAUSE IT'S SNAP DECISION MAKING TIME. JUST IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED WE'RE MOVING TODAY". I was quickly descending into Kate Gosselin Territory and he hadn't even gotten the truck yet.

David got the truck and he took one look at the big pile of heavy boxes sitting in the living room and wondered why help hadn't shown up yet. Normally, when David is faced with a big pile of boxes he is at work and the boys do all the lifting. Due to communication errors help never came and David and I loaded and unloaded the truck ourselves. Toward the end of the first loading we were just throwing items willy-nilly into the truck and David was just throwing his unorganized stuff into boxes in the same fashion. We almost had the right amount of stuff to fit in one trip but due to the haphazard loading of the truck we made two trips. The truck wasn't very full the second time around so I stayed behind and started to clean the perpetually grimy apartment. I turned on all the lights with the intention of turning off the light when the room was completely cleaned.

The apartment was in bad condition when David moved in and I wasted time and energy trying to scrub crayon, dirt, silly string and spit balls, damage we didn't do, off the walls. I called my Mom for advice because my arm was hurting and I hadn't even cleaned the kitchen and bathroom yet. David and I were exhausted but we soldiered on and my goal of cleaning the apartment in one day didn't come true. We still needed to get to the new rental and set up the bed, sleep, and go back the next day and finish cleaning. I told David to prepare to not get the deposit back even though the apartment is cleaner than when he moved in. So far we haven't heard from the apartment manager and we dropped the keys off a week ago and David has called a few times. All I keep hearing in my head is, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith"(2 Timothy 4:7).

Monday, September 28, 2009

Didn't I Just Do This?

Would you like the good news or the bad news first? Good news: David and I are moving into a tiny house. Bad news: David and I are moving into a tiny house in less than a week. I'm excited and nervous to move and a little bit scared.

October is a very busy month so we wanted to move sooner rather than later. David's oldest brother is suppose to come stay for a weekend and it isn't nice to ask your house guests to help you move. Plus, I get very limited human contact so if someone wants to come visit I'm not going to stop them for a little across town move. We are suppose to go to a Cleveland Browns game (even though everyone is telling us it's dangerous) the weekend after that and then the weekend after that is Halloween. We have very limited weekends to move so we decided to go into hyperactive hyperdrive and just do it, like, now. Hopefully David is going to remember to bring some boxes home from work, and reserve a truck and tell the boys he works with to be sober this weekend to help us move. I love the boys David works with I trust them with my life. I just don't know if I trust them with my stuff.

So why are we moving when David and I get such a great deal on this dark and damp basement level apartment with a broken oven and moldy walls and floor? Exactly. Yet, I am a bit sad to leave our first hobbit hole. Never thought I'd ever say that but it's true. This apartment is great during tornado warnings and it's cheaper than renting a house. I am settled and comfortable here (for the most part) and absolutely terrified to move to a new neighborhood and have to go through the process all over again. Meeting the neighbors and growing accustomed to the new sounds that are going to keep me up at night. I mean didn't I just do all that a couple of months ago?

This is also the first time David and I will be moving together. Our two very different personalities are responsible for safely moving an entire fledgling household. David likes to boast everything he owns could fit in a car. Not even a quarter of the stuff I own could fit in a mini-van. We don't have a lot of furniture everything we own folds, collapses or comes apart and packing isn't going to be an issue because I am unemployed and can spend all day boxing things up. Our biggest problem is the house is smaller than the apartment and has less storage space. The house does have a detached garage but going from having everything in one of the four closets to out in a garage is a major bummer. I've already started going through my stuff and shifting the stuff I want to put in the garage in plastic bins so it won't get water damaged. I also have a big pile of stuff to donate to the Goodwill. Less storage means the less stuff one gets to keep. It isn't liberating getting rid of the clothes and things I shipped from California. I really want everything I currently have or I wouldn't have shipped it in the first place.

There are some definite perks with moving into this tiny house even if the rent is higher, we have to pay more utilities and there is yard to maintain. We will have a washer and dryer and a working oven and a microwave in a kitchen big enough for two people to stand in at the same time! The mailbox is big enough for our Netflix rentals. There are windows that let in light and yard to sit in so we can enjoy the last of the good weather. The owners lived there prior to renting and kept it nice and clean. The library, grocery store and post office are all within comfortable walking distance. All things considered a pretty good deal, we think. David is confident we can manage the extra cost and keep saving for our own home one day. I hope we can. I really wanted the next move we made to be into a home we bought but this seems like good practice for us. I'm sure I will have some excellent commentary in about a week after this move.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Ducking & Covering

Living in the Rust Belt left me blissfully ignorant of the possibility of a tornado. However, we're just on the outside of Tornado Alley so still close enough for the local grocery store to designate an area as a tornado shelter. Complete with signs leading the way should the need arise. I hadn't seen the words "tornado shelter" in over 15 years.

My family lived in the Dallas-Fort Worth area for a brief period of time when I was in early elementary school. I have fond memories of walking single file into a storage closet with my classmates and huddling in rows. I don't recall if these were just drills or the real thing. I remember my Dad pointing out storm cellars in people's yards and I wondered (in my head) if we should befriend those people just in case. Other memories include my Dad telling me "If anyone asks if you like the Dallas Cowboys, you say yes." Ah, Texas. But before I could say "Troy Aikman" we were back in Southern California and I had to lose my slight drawl and remember how to duck and cover for earthquakes.

If I had to choose between earthquakes or tornadoes, I would pick earthquakes. That might be because I am a native Californian and earthquakes are just a way of life. And when I say way of life I mean, you hardly ever notice when they happen and when you do notice it's more important to remember what you were doing when the shaking started so you can compare notes with friends and family. Count exactly how many books fell off the shelf, trust me, the local news station wants you to call and tell them this important detail. In fact some Californians become irritated when they miss earthquakes. I missed one once because I was on the freeway, with my mom, on the way to the mall. All the good stores were closed when we got there and we couldn't figure out why. Macy's was closed for the whole day. I was irate after that.

Anyway, I guess the real reason I would choose earthquakes is the aforementioned "Ignorance is Bliss" attitude. Earthquakes, unlike tornadoes, cannot be predicted and therefore there is no frantic running around collecting birth certificates, flashlights and a mattress so you can jump in the bathtub and wait for certain doom. Seismic activity happens every day in California. Though they may be small and out in the middle of the desert. Tornadoes don't happen everyday. I understand that there are major and minor occurrences of both but you can't hear an earthquake like you can hear a tornado. The sky doesn't turn an ominous shade of black, green and yellow with an earthquake. With a tornado there is always going to be destruction with an earthquake there may not even be an open cupboard door. With all of that said, there are people who live in Tornado Alley who claim living in California would be impossible for them because of the earthquakes. I wonder if the inability to predict disaster is what scares them the most. Whereas, turning on the television after you've noticed the sky has turned black, after being sunny all day, and hearing the weatherman tell you to seek shelter immediately because they have seen rotation and it doesn't look good is so much more comforting.

Tornado warnings are the only time when I am glad we live in the basement. What bothered me, was the last two warnings came when David was still at work or on his way home. I hate weather, severe weather just makes me panic and being alone just makes it even worse. A tornado never formed (either time) and David and I may never have to live through one. Though, I think I'm the only one that recognizes the signs and severity of a tornado. David is still in California mode and thinks that a tornado will just take us to Oz to see the Wizard. But, if he thinks dropping a house on me is a easy way to get rid of me, he's got another think coming.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

"Reality gone with a single click"

Besides reading, another choice activity of hermits is TV watching. I particularly love reality TV. One cannot go wrong with reality television. There are entire channels dedicated to reality TV and the shows that recap reality TV just in case you didn't get enough the first time around. Today we will take a look at the shows I (and sometimes David) watch and how my viewing habits have changed since moving.

When I first moved I never turned on the television. I even went so far as to pretend we didn't have cable. I hadn't even watched television in years. Back in California we had switched cable for the Internet and never looked back. Slowly television crept back into my life in between reading and NPR. I started watching one hour a day, the hour before David was due home from work. TV made that hour go by so much faster. I watched a program on the Style Network called Peter Perfect. Peter Ishkans is a British stylist who visits failing businesses and like a fairy godmother, gives the owner(s) and the store a makeover to boost business and save them from debt.

Peter led me down the primrose path to other Style Network shows like Clean House, Clean House Comes Clean, How Do I Look?, The Dish, Dress My Nest, Ruby, Split Ends, Whose Wedding Is it Anyway?, My Super Sweet 16 and so on and so forth. Most of the shows take place in California so it was like tuning into the best parts of home like the mall on a sunny day. Then I jumped to the E! network where I sat glued to True Hollywood Story, Keeping up with the Kardashians and Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane. Then I moved on to TLC where I watch Little People, Big World, The Little Couple, Cake Boss, Jon & Kate + 8 and my all time fave TLC show What not to Wear. A show I like to call Stacy & Clinton (the first names of the hostess and host) as if they were my next door neighbors and my bestest, most stylish friends in the whole world.

Majority of these shows are makeover shows. There is nothing the American viewing public loves more than a transformation. It taps into the American ideals most of us were raised with. The ability to make something from nothing, to become great in the face of adversity and rise to the occasion looking fabulous.

Most of the time I watch the makeover shows (How do I Look? and What not to Wear) just to be horrified at the before subjects. People who haven't changed their hairstyle since 1983, bought a new pair of pants in ten years or just weren't blessed with the fashion/shopping gene. Clean House is particularly disturbing because it's a show about people with a pack rat/cleaning problem. A whole team of people descend upon the house and make the families give things away and clean. It's shocking what people hold on to and let clutter up their homes. It's a lesson in how not to end up living.

In that same vein I watch the shows about extravagant living (Kimora) to be shocked as well. Americans are obsessed with the rich and famous and how they live. We want to know what people spend their money on and why. Which is why shows like My Super Sweet 16 and Whose Wedding is it Anyway? exist. In general we are just curious about how other people live (J & K + 8). Like why is Jon Gosselin living in an apartment in Manhattan when he should be looking at the leasing/living options available for a Chuck E. Cheese's.

David watches Cake Boss with me but what he really is addicted to is truTV programming. truTV's slogan is "Not Reality. Actuality" which is a dumb slogan considering one of their shows (Operation Repo) is fake. The pioneer of reality shows,"Cops", is on this network along with Man Vs. Cartoon, Inside American Jail, Speeders and shows that consist of celebrity commentary on dumb/shocking/daring videos.

We also watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report on Comedy Central. David gets agitated when he misses The Report. So we have a few shows we watch religiously and a few we don't. I have cut back on my TV watching because it was turning my brain into mush and I was using it as a crutch.

Watching all that reality programming makes me wonder how much of it is staged. How often are the "characters" asked to act more? I mean it's all about ratings and you can't follow boring people around. You need hams and drama queens and the crazy situations they create. I'm one of those drama queens who acts out when uncomfortable or when I think people are waiting for me to say or do something stereotypically Samina, like lapse into Valley Girl or put my foot in my mouth. The only difference (okay, there are several differences) between me and Kimora Lee Simmons or Kate Gosselin is that they have an editor. If I had an editor the world would be such a better place.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

"Look there she goes that girl is strange, no question..."


I have become a hermit since moving to Ohio and have become heavily reliant on books (and the Internet) to get me through the day. I am not a person who claims that "books changed my life". Books continue to change my life. I don't just carry around a book "because you never know when you might find spare time" I carry spare bookmarks. The fact that I carry a book is inevitable. I read everywhere. I used to read being driven to work, while walking to work, at the mall waiting for my Mom to hurry the hell up and buy her crap at Sephora. Having worked at a bookstore (we'll call it Stables & Grand) and a public library just made it easy to amass a collection of books. I also buy books "wherever books are sold" (a phrase I hate by the way).

However, I don't keep majority of the books I read. Even so I hauled at least ten boxes of books over with me. I separate my books into two bookcases. One is of books I will read and give away and one is of classics and old favorites that I have already read and intend to keep. I only unpacked the first bookcase with the intention of bulldozing through those easy reads. I have read thirty-some books so far. I never unpacked the second bookcase, just stacked the boxes in the closet and didn't think much about them. Sometime early in the week I decided to make opening those boxes a priority and a project. The apartment had become especially damp and I was afraid the books were going to get water-damaged. As I was opening and making piles of children's books and adult classics to pack back up I came across books that I wasn't sure why I kept. Modern bestsellers and diet books mostly. I belong to Paperbackswap.com and I decided I would eliminate, approximately, a box of books by posting them on the site.

Now I know there are people reading this screaming "How can you possibly get rid of books?" It's very simple. As a book lover and advocate for literacy I believe in sharing the wealth. Plus, imagine if you kept every book you ever owned from "Pat the Bunny" to the OED. There has never been a time I have looked at our bookshelves and lamented that I don't still own every Babysitter's Club book. You know because they would have complimented David's collection of Third World dictator biographies so nicely.

Working at the library gave me the opportunity to witness the donation of entire libraries of deceased bookworms. We would get excited at the unopened boxes. So many possibilities! Only to open the boxes and find every dime-store novel ever written. Bummer. We would groan and toss the books aside. As far as we were concerned, it was a box full of coasters. I'm not saying you can't read trashy books. I'm saying read as many trashy books as you want just don't think they are gold bricks. Pass those trashy gems to the next person, check them out from the library, recycle them for all I care. They are made out of paper it doesn't hurt them. What hurts them are leaving them in a box to get moldy and bent. I know books are memories but that's why I keep a list. Just seeing the book title takes me back to where I bought the book and holding it in my hands where I read it and if I passed it along to someone else.

Working at Stables & Grand was awesome because I was able to see all the new books as they came out and I never had to buy them. I just mentally noted the titles and then I requested them from inter-library loan for free and BAM! pile o' books on my desk every other day for me to devour. I try to avoid Stables & Grand now that I am no longer employed with them. My hands itch and my vision blurs when I go in and see the shiny new books. I'm trying to work through what I've got at home. More is not what I need right now. That means I'm not going to the local library for the same reason. Plus, the library is a 30 minute walk down a busy road with no sidewalk. I am sparingly ordering books from Paperbackswap.com but I think it's enough to keep the Mail Carrier annoyed at having to take time out of his route to knock on my door. Oh well, a girl has got to stay occupied somehow. Soon I am going to be forced to drive and go to work and other boring adult stuff and all my reading time is going to vanish.

List of books read since moving (not including the book I read on the plane):

Because She Can - Bridie Clark
The Partly Cloudy Patriot - Sarah Vowell
Fat Girls & Lawn Chairs- Cheryl Peck
Looking for Mary - Beverly Donofrio
The Year of Living Famously - Laura Caldwell
26a - Diana Evans
Spilling the Beans - Jose Antonio Burciaga
Mr.Maybe - Jane Green
The Mysteries of Pittsburgh - Michael Chabon
The Wife - Meg Wolitzer
The Duchess of Bloomsbury Street - Helene Hanff
Shutterbabe - Deborah Copaken Kogan
Boonville - Robert Mailer Anderson
Sleeping Arrangements - Laura Shaine Cunningham
Maneater - Gigi Levangie Grazer
Limbo - A. Manette Ansay
By the Lake of Sleeping Children - Luis Urrea
Neurotica - Sue Margolis
Your Oasis on Flame Lake - Lorna Landvik
Another Day in the Frontal Lobe - Katrina Firlik
Hanging Up - Delia Ephron
Joe College - Tom Perrotta
The Discomfort Zone - Jonathan Franzen
Lucky Girls - Nell Freudenberger
The Inn at Lake Devine - Elinor Lipman
The Annunciation of Francesca Dunn - Janis Hallowell
Dear Catastrophe Waitress - Brendan Halpin
Then She Found Me - Elinor Lipman
Diary of a Wimpy Kid- Jeff Kinney
Bed Rest - Sarah Bilston
The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll - Jean Nathan
The Ruins of California - Martha Sherrill
Manhattan Loverboy - Arthur Nersesian
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules - Jeff Kinney
Twenties Girl - Sophie Kinsella

Monday, July 20, 2009

"Empty lake, empty streets, the sun goes down alone"



On Saturday night David and I watched the Cleveland Indians lose 3-1 to the Seattle Mariners at Progressive Field (The Jake) because the Indians are the second worse team in the league right now. Watching the Indians lose is a time-honored tradition in Cleveland. I've never seen less hustle out of people getting paid major bucks to do something they supposedly love. We went with David's coworker Jay and Jay's girlfriend Emmy. Emmy was the only native Clevelander so we bugged her every 15 seconds about where to park and where to go once in the gate. Emmy being a true native had no idea about those things because she always got dropped off at The Jake with a bunch of other natives and their Cleveland sense would tingle and then they would end up magically in the good seats.

The only other baseball stadium I have ever been to is Dodger Stadium (thanks for the memories, Mikka!) which is a bit different than the Jake. For starters when you go to Dodger Stadium you drive right into the parking lot (like Disneyland or a shopping mall) which is convenient. That doesn't happen at The Jake. David brought it to my attention that The Jake is a classic field of the east coast-ish region. It is situated in the major city's downtown. So we drove around like dummies looking for the stadium parking when we realized that parking is handled by surrounding small lots. One lot that provides parking is a Catholic Church. I said we should park there next time so God would watch over our car. We only live about 30 minutes from the field and Cleveland has little traffic so it was an easy drive even with the parking confusion. It was so odd to look up past the scoreboard and see buildings and not endless blue California sky. I was shocked to be in a major city watching a baseball game, don't ask me why I just was. I've read that The Jake is closer to a "classic" field and that means reminiscent of fields of olden days. But I don't know what that means so I can neither confirm nor deny that observation.

I've read on the Internet that there are no "bad seats" at the Field. We were in the view box so we were high up enough to freak Emmy and I out that we were going to trip on the narrow concrete stairs and fall to our deaths. We were far enough away from the field for me to also worry that no magic treat men selling fine sugared goods would dare travel that far,but they did, just not selling the good stuff (cotton candy).
Even that far up two foul balls got hit straight our way which caused me to duck and cover in a panic. I wasn't about to try and catch one and fall, like some dude down below did catching a foul, (he didn't fall far) or get a souvenir bloody nose. Those boys may not be the best in the league but they still hit hard.

At the game I tried to keep my "AND THIS ONE TIME AT DODGER STADIUM" comments limited to only the very important moments. Like the time Matthew McConaughey was sitting merely rows away from us and I really didn't know who he was because he wasn't shirtless and on a skateboard.

All in all a good time. We didn't see how fast the pitches were because the radar gun was broken. I was bummed about that. They also played Ohio's official state rock song,"Hang on Sloopy" by The McCoys and everyone did the O-H-I-O dance (it's like the YMCA dance) and sang along to what is quite possibly the lamest song on the planet. I should know, I read the Wikipedia article about it and that makes me an expert. It didn't rain and the fans were friendly. David had a little trouble getting home even with the GPS navigator. We have more tickets so we will be going to another game sometime soon. I look forward to going and continuing on the path to becoming a well-rounded Cleveland citizen and just as depressed.

On a completely unrelated side note: David got a speeding ticket and I am now an officially licensed Ohio driver. Well, officially licensed at least I have yet to actually drive. It was a busy weekend, indeed.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Even Further East

David and I spent the 4th of July weekend with this two older brothers in Massachusetts. We did it the crazy way and drove because our knowledge of East Coast geography is flawed. For some strange reason we thought Massachusetts wasn't very far away but Pennsylvania is a long-ish state and we took a detour to pick up one of his brothers in Brooklyn. The Brooklyn, like Bed-Stuy, where Jay-Z, Biggie and Lil' Kim grew up.

The only part of this trip I was against was driving into Brooklyn at 3 AM (we left after David got home from work and drove through the night). I adore my husband's brothers and we would have picked up any one of them on the way if possible. But driving into Mordor is not my idea of fun. We have a GPS navigator so I wasn't afraid of getting lost and I wasn't afraid of the ghetto. I was afraid of David's terrible driving instincts when wielded in a big city. We didn't get lost or run anyone over but on the way in we did start to doubt the GPS. It was telling us to go in loops and we ended up in an industrial part of God knows where. I called my bro-in-law to ask for directions. Never ask a New York transplant for directions. He started asking me questions. "Are you in Manhattan? Did you take the BQE? Are you on this bridge, that bridge?" I just wanted the boy to speak English. There weren't any street signs. My knowledge of NYC is paparazzi shots of celebrities. The one piece of info he gave us that helped was that the GPS was telling us to go "weird ways" because we were now in one way street land. I hate one way streets with the same hatred I have for toll roads. At this point it was 3 AM, we had been in the car for 10 hours trying to obey the law and drive properly unlike the citizens of Pennsylvania and New Jersey and I had witnessed two cows fornicating in Pennsylvania so I was ready to get to Massachusetts. We successfully picked up David's brother and he drove the last leg of the trip.

Two days in, what I call, Granolaville, Massachusetts city of hippie-ish-organic people where David's oldest brother lives. Totally chill, no complaints about Massachusetts.

I did dread the drive home and the thought of having to be in the car with David driving during the day in Brooklyn. Our car has Ohio plates we might as well have the word HICKS written on the windshield. David's Brooklyn brother drove us in and we drove out in remarkably good time. Several of my friends and family found it odd that David and I would just make NYC a pit stop on our trip. We weren't there for touristy stuff we just wanted his brother. I am not the adventurous type and I have no problem never going back to NYC. I never had the dying need to go in the first place. I can take it or leave it. Crowds,trash and crazy people aren't really my thing. I know there are awesome parts of NYC but I'm okay just knowing they exist.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Sticker Shock

David and I aren't bad with money. We both have excellent credit scores. We don't have a lot of expenses but we don't have a lot of money either.

When you are newly married your expenses are: rent money for your hobbit hole, food/booze and the car(s). Since I am a spoiled California girl I have additional expenses. These needs are not in the budget. Things that are not in the budget do not register in David's brain. So when I tell him I need a pedicure he hands me the toe nail clippers. I cringe. I don't cut my own toe nails I have a phobia. I haven't had a pedicure since leaving California but I have learned to cut my toenails. I haven't had a haircut either. David shaves his head in the bathroom and I think he expects me to do the same. I've started going to Wal-Mart instead of Target (even though I hate Wal-Mart). I spend less money at Wal-Mart because their clothes are uglier than Target's. I'm going through recreational shopping withdrawals and the mall is not my best friend anymore. All because we joined Mint.com and have a convenient little pie chart telling us we're on the path to debt and destitution. At the end of this path is not the nice house in a suburb we want but a run down shack on the bad side of town.

Mint.com is awesome. I highly recommend the site. It's safe,free and easy to use. It shows you how much money you have and how much you've spent and where. You can change the numbers around to fit your needs and compare them to national averages and previous months. The site helps you save more for the things you need. I hate it. It makes me feel guilty and ashamed of how much money we are wasting.


Not our actual budget pie chart. Seriously, we live in Ohio not California our apartment rent is half that number.


Again, not our actual pie chart but this is closer to what,I think, our budget should look like.


Ignorance is bliss and that works two ways. Life was more fun when we were only loosely budgeting and what David doesn't know won't hurt him. I need to get my license and get a job and earn my own money soon so I can pay for the things he doesn't deem necessary. Maybe when we were on the plane I should have presented him with a copy of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Samina." He might have found it cheaper to put me on the first one way flight back to California.