Yard Work of the Devil

Cut that lawn! Cut that lawn!

This past Sunday David and I had to do yard work because yard work is part of being a homeowner and living the dream- or my nightmare.

We purchased a home with a considerable amount of landscaping that we, for some reason, thought we could handle. It has the usual back and front yard to mow and let’s see... one hundred million shrub type plants that need trimming. At this rate we should expect to never stop trying to work our scrap of land into something presentable for the next 60+ years.

The crown jewels of our front yard are three giant deciduous trees (oak or maple?) that shed their leaves like a toddler sheds clothes after they have pulled open every drawer in the house and donned every single item they find. These trees are so plentiful we still have leaves caught under our one hundred million shrubs. Leaves I am too lazy to rake out even though I have tried and we are probably supporting several dangerous nests of ticks.

To better understand my predicament let's break down the work by season:

Spring-Summer: If it has been a harsh winter you will have to mow your lawn almost twice a week because the grass grows that fast here due to all of that water sitting on it for months. You will clean up stray leaves left over from the fall, put more mulch down that will attract ants and throw artillery mold all over your house, weed until your hands bleed, deadhead flowers, attempt to eradicate dandelions, and get attacked by prehistoric sized bugs and swarms of insects you have never even heard of before now. Chipmunks and squirrels will glare at you from afar because your OCD need to clean nature is disturbing the caches of food they worked so hard to store. All of this is done in 90 degree heat with humidity and the threat of a thunderstorm or tornado at any second. Blast your AC until the polar ice caps melt. This is the season when you will spend hundreds of dollars on supplies and equipment.

"Oh, don't mind me. I'm just plotting your demise."

Fall: Begin to panic because all that work you did was for nothing. It’s fall now and things are starting to die or as David always gently explains: “Going dormant or sleeping for winter. Not dying.” To which I reply: “Whatever. Sad looking plants with no leaves are dead.” Leaves are falling like crazy. Now your neighbors are glaring at you because you don’t want to start raking until the last fucking leaf has gracefully swirled to the ground. Now all of those leaves are on their immaculately kept lawn exquisitely decorated for Halloween. Glare back at them while holding a beer and screaming football scores at the top of your lungs because it’s fall! The weather is crisp, we are in football country, and the leaves will still be there tomorrow- in your yard, not mine, your problem now, sucker!

Winter: Stop panicking and begin to weep because you tried to glue all those leaves back to their branches hoping to postpone winter. All that glorious sun and heat you’ve been enjoying will suddenly just give way to freezing or below freezing. Blast the heater until the polar ice caps melt.

Snow is not a novelty.

There will come a wind off the frozen lake so sharp you begin to tense even before you leave your doorway to run to your car. Did I say run? I’m sorry I meant slowly pick your way across the icy walkway so you don’t die from exposure when you slip and break a leg while hauling a shovel to dig your car out. At least this season there is no one glaring at you because they are all inside. staring out the window laughing and pointing because you are dumb enough to leave the house after a snowstorm for Chinese food.

Repeat this process until you are too old and move somewhere warm where there is no yard work or snow ever. I believe this is called Arizona or an assisted living facility or Heaven whichever happens first.