The Ball is Still Rolling

Today I started the paperwork to transfer bookstores so I can secure a job in Ohio. David says the job climate is...less than ideal out there. So the sooner I start the process the more likely it is I'll be able to nab a spot and get at least some money coming in to contribute to the household.

I will continue to look for non-retail work,something with hours closer to David's. Something that doesn't have me directing customers to the restroom,picking up trash a foot away from a trash can, telling customers that we do not sell Sarah Palin calendars. We also do not sell software,DVD players, video games. We do not appraise antiques, we have no public computers, we have no copy machine and the books do not check out they are yours forever because we are NOT A LIBRARY! WE ARE A BOOKSTORE! I digress...

Getting a job in Ohio is difficult for me. It is going to push me way out of my comfort zone. I will have to either A) learn to use the bus system, B) walk in bad weather or a combination of my two biggest fears C) DRIVE and in BAD WEATHER.

Let me digress again...I am afraid of driving. Terrified beyond comprehension. So terrified that it took me years to obtain a license and after I got it I NEVER EVER GOT BEHIND THE WHEEL AGAIN. It's been over two years, at least. I cried before my test and after I slept for like four hours because I came down with Strep throat. My body and mind were so consumed with stress I got sick. I like to say I'm mentally incapable of driving. My friends and family like to say I am lazy. But they still drive me around...anywhere and everywhere I need or want to go. They may bitch about it but they do it. I have worked in a town 15-20 minutes away from my home five days a week for four years and I have been dropped off and picked up every time. I have never used public transportation in my life. When David left for Ohio I had to cut my hours because I had no ride home at night. I am spoiled. I am an 85 year old woman trapped in a 25 year old body. I'm just a girl because they won't let me drive late at night. Because nobody walks in L.A. God knows what will happen when I get to Ohio and I have to use the bus because my intricate network of drivers will collapse into one. One that doesn't want to drive me anywhere he doesn't have to.

I also happen to live in a small town with good weather so I mostly walk when I need to get somewhere and there is no one to drive me. From one end of town to the other it is 30 minutes,from my house to my in-laws also 30. The library, the thrift store, the coffee shop, my pedicurist, the grocery store,fast food all 10 minute walks. Life is good.

So in conclusion the "get a job ball" is rolling, the "wedding ball"...not really rolling at all. It's just sort of sitting there and I am poking it with a stick. I am driving my future, my destiny. Things are looking like... the job climate in Ohio...less than ideal. Oh, won't someone please take the wheel for me? I will pay for the gas I promise. I just need to go to Nordie's first.

Point of No Return

Somewhere in cyberspace there is a one way ticket to Ohio with my name on it. David bought it and sent me the confirmation so I know it exists. The ticket will float in a database until March when we print it out and then I will know there is really no turning back. When I hold that ticket in my hand, when I step on that plane the world as I know it will cease to be and a vacuum will suck me up and spit me out in another state. A completely alternate state of being. I was so scared when David bought his ticket home I cried. Of course, he wanted to know why I was crying and I told him why and he said, "But I'm here. You'll have me." "I know," I wailed,"that's what scares me." I didn't cry when he bought mine.

There is a part of me that just wants everything to be over and done. That same part just wants to run from from my family. All the drama, all the pain, all the minimal expectations. Even though I know soon I will be so far away from them it will leave an unfathomable ache in my heart.

I am knocking down milestones. I will be the first child in my family to marry and pack up and leave. I will be the first one that will not look back for too long or too hard. I always knew David would take me away I just didn't know how far.

This Wasn't What I Had In Mind

March is a month,one of the few months, in California when the weather is iffy. I have memories of rain and wind and blue skies and sun. David and I plan on getting married in March and I quickly realized the original plan of using his parent's backyard as the wedding site may be a bad idea.

The March rain could force 50-100 guests inside his parent's home. Then again maybe it won't rain. Still, we would have to rent tables and chairs. We can't ask relatives who have flown from far away or who are elderly to stand. Just like we can't ask those same relatives to stand in the rain or postpone the wedding for a sunny day when they have no place to go but a hotel room. Then I remembered the house would have to be cleaned for the wedding. I hate cleaning. The cost of all this started to look about the same as renting a building. I live in a small town with a small budget so I didn't look further than local churches. Specifically, a church where I was a past member.

David thinks that parting with any amount of money is too much. I have to agree but I remind him we are buying piece of mind. I tried to make this easy. I just need a building with some chairs and tables. Nothing fancy. I am in contact with a local church and it seems I am coming in at a time when the church is revising their guidelines and costs. I told them that I really just need the Parish Hall. There probably isn't going to be a ceremony. This is turning into less of a wedding and more of a reception. I received an email today that said I would have answers to my questions after the church office manager meets with "the lady who is going to be the church wedding liaison". My heart began to beat faster and then it fell into my stomach.

Wait, what? Church wedding liaison? When I was a member of the church I don't remember there being "church wedding liaison". "Going to be.."? You mean this person is as new to the church as I am to Ohio? I am not having a wedding, I just need a building. Why are we bringing more people into this than necessary. Is this person a member of the church, do I know her? If I wanted a planner I would have employed one. That is why I chose the church I did because I wanted to fork over some cash,promise to not destroy the Parish Hall, make sure no one eats in the Sanctuary, and be done. I just wanted a pretty building I was familiar with for my relatives say hello to David in and good-bye to me in while eating cupcakes! Now I have to wait and see what is going to happen. I was sick of poking at this wedding with a stick and now I poked to hard and a wedding liaison popped out. Damn.