A Single Girl Power Ballad for the Engaged?

I think I have watched this video a hundred times and tried with all my heart to hate the song. I know this song is going to be hot. Hotter than the hills that burn around me every year. It's catchy and it sounds like all the rest of her singles. Can you say insta-hit? I have tried to find fault with this song because I can't decide if it truly is a single girl power ballad or a reaffirmation of antiquated social values that make women delusional.

Beyonce claims that after a bad relationship, that obviously left her unwed or unengaged,she doesn't need the former man's permission to let another man get "up on" her. In fact that new man and her are "tight" like those hideous "Dereon jeans" she designs. If that former lover had really wanted her, he would have sealed the deal with a big ol'diamond ring. But then she goes on to say, after much butt-shaking and pelvic-thrusting,that she doesn't want to be "treated to the things of this world" she just "prefers love",just "deserves love". It is a man that will "deliver" her "to a destiny",love her forever, complete her, claiming she is the "only one". But if not Beyonce will move on to the next dude that will love her. Oh and that ring. Gotta have that ring. So, B lays it down for us pretty clearly, her "love don't cost a thing" er that was J-lo.

So what is a girl to believe? Is my relationship,my engagement,my being wed to David invalid because he didn't love me enough to go into debt for a ring? I have been told by other people from the beginning of my relationship to David to not do anything rash until I have a ring on my finger. Well people, I am doing something rash and I have no ring on my finger and probably never will. It's not like a ring is a safety net or a guarantee. I know it's about what the ring represents. I have David's word and he has mine and if that isn't enough nothing is. But here is the bitter kicker,come close, let me whisper it to you, oh hell, I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT A RING! My eyes follow the rings on the hands of women I see. I look at rings online and at jewelery counters statewide.David knows because I link him pics of rings and he just laughs. HE LAUGHS! I have even considered buying my own ring a la Britney Spears marrying K-Fed. But I know I won't because no matter how much the girl who loves pretty, sparkly, expensive accessories in me cries and begs I know I'd much rather have a designer handbag instead.

Due to Circumstances Beyond our Control

As I have mentioned in previous entries, up until this point in my life, I had never given much thought about living anywhere other than California. Living here was a given. Much like being born, and the people you are born to, where you are born and subsequently might live your entire life are circumstances beyond your control. Just like while living here you might see celebrities walking down the street,the door of the local coffee shop might be be blocked by a burly security guard and sometimes your house might get leveled by an earthquake,fall into the ocean or be consumed by fire. All of those things are beyond your control. Except the coffee shop thing, I know the owner so I get to go in anyway no matter who is in there getting caffeinated.

However, people please, you can control the look on your face when I tell you I am moving to Ohio. I know, I know there is no place like here, how could anyone even entertain the thought of living anywhere but here. Well, I can and I am. Even if it is to prove to the world that I can live anywhere even Ohio with the snow and the....snow. Plus, the houses are cheap.

So when I say brightly, "I am moving to Ohio! My fiance is there already and I am going to get married and have a big house on the lake!" You say,"That's wonderful! How exciting!" I am gritting my teeth and smiling so the least you can do is the same. Okay? Oh, and when you tell me you are from Ohio don't tell me you "left when you were sixteen and never looked back". Don't shake your head and get a vacant look in your eyes wondering how you ever "lived in such a place". It isn't helping.

Remember, I was here first. My relatives walked and took the train across the border from Mex in the 1860's. I am a Native Californian being driven from my homeland because all you people came from the Midwest and are breathing all my precious ocean air. We are just playing a statewide version of Trading Spaces. So with that said, I will trade you your quiet, spacious, three bedroom, two bath, colonial with trees and a driveway on the lake for my thin walled, teeny tiny, no privacy, three bedroom, one bath, a concrete yard,limited parking and no trees in the barrio. BUT I WAS HERE FIRST YOU REMEMBER THAT! ONE DAY I WILL RETURN, A PRODIGAL DAUGHTER, AND THERE WILL BE CUPCAKES AND REJOICING IN THE LAND. But I definitely will not want my house back.

Porn for Brides

Wedding magazines are nothing but porn for brides. Glossy,airbrushed pictures of happy couples, delicious cakes and artfully constructed floral arrangements. There are hundreds of bridal magazines on the market. I know I work at a bookstore I spend more time putting away stacks of mags than I do legitimately helping people find books. There are bridal magazines published exclusively for the place you live, for cakes, for honeymoons, for hair and dresses. Yet, as any other female with a wedding on her mind I found myself drawn to the bridal magazine section.I have purchased three so far: 805 Weddings, Brides Southern California,Los Angeles Weddings and I was given a copy of Town & Country Weddings. I have since recycled 805 Weddings it was the worst of them all. Most of the information in the magazines is useless to me. I don't need tips on favors to get my bridesmaids or honeymoon locales.

805 Weddings, like my copy of Los Angeles Weddings, boasted sections about "REAL WEDDINGS". Yes, these weddings are real. They involved real people, these weddings really happened but to me these weddings still bordered on the unreal. These couples had the luxury of money and time on their side. A luxury most couples do not have. Some of the weddings featured were simple and elegant and I liked the look of them. Some of them looked like the color pink had vomited over everything and that there was no time at all where the word "NO!" was spoken. I was tempted to call 805 weddings and have them chronicle my wedding. When asked who made my dress I would not be able to gush,"Vera Wang" when asked I'd say "You're looking at it. This is it. One wedding, one location,one time, one small budget."

I do not mean to degrade or diminish the importance of weddings or these real couple's weddings. I know women have been told from a young age or were told when they became engaged a million cliches. "Happiest day of your life." "Perfect". "You should be a Princess, a queen." "Everything you want." I have understood that marriage is sacrifice, work and compromise. It is not perfect. I would rather not start my marriage off with a fantasy. So when I think real I think reality, as in check, and not check it at the door with your coat and brain. We are not entering into an economy,a world, that supports wastefulness and greed. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but that is reality.

Things I am doing Instead of...

Tonight I finished the Monday crossword puzzle all by myself...no going to Google for help...AT ALL. I did the crossword instead of cleaning my room or planning the wedding. I feel guilty. I feel like I should be doing more about "THE WEDDING". I went from working 52 hours a week to working 36 hours so I could devote my time to "THE WEDDING AND THE MOVE". This is the first week of my new schedule so maybe I am being too hard on myself. Maybe an impromptu anti-wedding doesn't need a large amount of planning. Maybe this is one of those things that comes together at the last minute. Maybe I am going to have the most unorganized and thus boring and tragic wedding and reception in the history of the United States.

I definitely have pieces of my wedding together. I have a location and a dress. I have an officiator and a bridesmaid. David has a best man. I have a baker for the main dessert. Invitations are being created. I have a "theme and colors" and a tentative date. I have a mental list of things I want and don't want. I have a rough draft of a guest list. Somehow all of these abstract things are going to come together to make a wedding. It just doesn't seem possible and yet it is. Hundreds of women are doing the exact same thing I am doing,have done it and will continue to do it. But if that is the case then why I am finding it so difficult?

Even California Girls Get the Blues

Many days have passed since my last posting. So many in fact that David has packed, left for Ohio,driven across the country, settled into his apartment on the lake and I am still sitting in my room only leaving for food and work. Ok I lie. I went to a co-worker's to watch a movie. BUT STILL! I miss David terribly. I think he has been gone for two weeks now? I'm trying not to think about it and yet simultaneously thinking about his absence all the time. I act like he has gone to war and not just to Ohio. But you must understand David and I spent most (ALL) of our free time together trying to ignore each other. Without him I actually have to find something else to fill my free time like laundry. Or shopping for clothes so I can have more laundry.

Really what I am going to be doing in the following six months or so before I join David in Ohio is:

1)planning a half-arsed(arsed is recognized by spell check but not assed? go figure.) wedding
2)reading the hundred books I have insulating my bedroom walls
3)laundry
4)cleaning
5)packing
6)saying good-bye

Yes, it will take me six months to do those things. Don't laugh or you will be recruited to help. Things you will be forced to do:
1)laundry
2)drive me places
3)wedding planning
4)listen to me bitch