Tales of the Domestically Challenged: Recipes from the backs of cans

Like any intelligent, bored and half-ass housewife I get my recipes from the backs of soup cans, pasta boxes and cereal boxes. Basically anything with packaging probably has a recipe on it that I can muddle through. Also, I understand the importance of marketing to these companies so I assume that their recipes are tested and 100% guaranteed to work because if they don't you will never again buy their product.

Yesterday, I prepared "Red Beans & Rice" as instructed by the good people at Bush Brothers & Company. You know the people who brought us the nonsensical but memorable commercial with the talking dog that said, "Roll that beautiful bean footage." The recipe was easy. It involved chopping a few vegetables, sauteing them, adding the meat and beans then letting the whole thing simmer until done.

My first problem was the ingredient list it had "2 cans (16 oz) beans" listed. One can of beans is 16 ounces so did they want two cans of beans for a total of 32 ounces of beans or just one can for 16 ounces? I shrugged and figured I'd just add as many beans as I saw fit. I started the vegetables off in a wok and as they cooked I realized I had chosen the wrong-sized pan. I had yet to add the meat and beans. Not only do I always choose the wrong knife I always choose the wrong pan too. I heated up a big soup pot and transferred the vegetables so everything would fit.

I took the meat out of the fridge to slice. I was less than impressed and thought to myself "This better not be a glorified hot dog because that's what it smells and looks like." The recipe called for "andouille sausage" which I could not find at our local store. The butcher was wandering around when I was pacing the meat aisle but I didn't want to ask him because I didn't know how to properly pronounce "andouille". It's a French word so it's Latin-based, like Spanish, so is that double "l" silent? When did I get so stupid? Did it happen when I crossed the Mississippi or when I changed time zones? I could substitute any smoked sausage so I grabbed a store brand that was a "summer sausage" and went on my merry way.

After I dumped the meat in with the vegetables I consulted the recipe. "Cook sausage until done." Well, wtf does that mean "until done"? When it turns purple? When it stops screaming? Until I stop screaming? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? I peered into the pan and said, "Whatever, I can overcook this a bit, right?" But then the vegetables started to burn so I hastily added both cans of beans. I slammed the lid on the pan to wait for David to come home and reassure me. Then I screamed, "Oh eff! I need to add the Creole seasoning!" The Creole seasoning was a gift from David's brother after a trip to New Orleans and one of the reasons I cooked this dish was because we had the seasoning.

Then David came home, declared it done and delicious. I told him the problems I had with the recipe and he said, "Samina, food doesn't come in 8 oz cans. Duh. And you can't under-cook sausage it's already cooked. You buy it cooked. You are just heating it up." I always assume that the food I buy at the store, "fresh", is riddled with disease and must be sterilized. If I wanted prepared food I would go to the drive-thru of any fast food place and gamble with the prep part. I also assume the recipes on the backs of cans don't need to be re-written like this recipe. Next time I will cook the meat first and add the vegetables so they don't burn. Just like the other day when I tried to make Rice Krispy treats - another easy recipe off the box. They were edible despite melting the butter too fast and also burning most of the marshmallows as I tried to melt those too. The fault can't possibly lie with me. I bet the test kitchens of corporate America are just plain ol' lazy. Betty Crocker is the only one you can trust. Trust me when I say that.