Learning to drive has been the most difficult task in my life thus far. I am more relieved than proud to say I drove by myself yesterday. It has taken me over four years to get to this point and now that I am here it's sort of anti-climatic. I wrongly assumed I'd get a cash prize or the heavens were going to sing when I finally learned to do something millions of people do everyday. I drove to a grocery store 15 minutes away, one tiny town over, to get bottled green tea (our super-close local store does not sell it). It wasn't the best I have ever driven but I didn't have to pull over and call David to come get me because I was having a breakdown of the nervous kind not automotive. I might have been screaming, "ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod"in my head but when I looked in the mirror I appeared calm. I was calm because I woke up, got in the car and said, "Fuck it, now or never," and I really needed that tea.
It's no secret that I fear and hate driving. I was issued a driver license and the how and why is still a mystery to me. I remember very little about my driving test except for pain, crying and then becoming very ill. This led a friend to comment that I talk about my driving test the way most women describe giving birth.
I hate driving for several reasons, some rational but most of them irrational. The irrational reasons are where my fear comes from. The number one reason: Driving is dangerous. Driving is a series of maneuvers that need to be executed with caution and precision at somewhat high speeds in a heavy machine quickly while the outside world moves around you at various speeds. Driving is like running with scissors. But even with scissors you get a safety pair in Kindergarten first. You learn how to use the tool properly long before you'll ever be given the "teacher's scissors" - those shiny blades with the cracked black handles. There is no "safety scissor" equivalent with cars and driving. Even in a car issued by a driving school with dual controls and a teacher the potential to have an accident is present. Accidents can be deadly and costly. Why would I want to put myself under that type of strain everyday? So I never did. I opted to be driven around by patient and kind friends and family or just walk whenever I could.
After I moved I no longer had those options. I spent a year watching the world from a window. There was hardly any place worth walking to and the weather was sometimes too bad to walk in. I relied solely on David to drive me around on the weekends. The time had come for me to learn to drive. Seriously learn. No crying and no false start, except that I cried a lot, much to David's annoyance. I had to face the fear of failure and accidents. I pushed myself from the nest and forced myself to fly. And every time I backed away from the car shaking, refusing to get behind the wheel, David pushed. We worked on driving until we got to this point: where I can drive by myself. Now, I don't drive very well. My turns are hesitant and shaky. I have trouble with going in reverse and thus parking. I still have a long way to go, but it's a start.
My other problem is with everyone else, other drivers. I don't like them because they make me nervous. Since I'm an unskilled driver I tend to drive the speed limit and brake sooner than necessary as precautions. Combine that with being in a new area and not always sure where I am going and that just angers other drivers. They swerve around me and honk. I can see them in the rear view mirror screaming at me. David tells me to not worry about them just worry about me. I wish I could just worry about me but driving means paying attention to yourself and the other drivers. What David really means is don't worry about what other people are feeling worry about how they are driving. This is a fixable problem. I just have to teach myself to be unapologetic about my driving.
This is difficult because four years spent in retail has beaten some of the apathy (not all) out of me. I wasn't always the nicest sales person but I had moments and now those moments and the training have messed with my head. I'm constantly wondering if the humans around me are happy and taken care of even if they aren't central to my being. If you talk to my parents they would say that wasn't the way I was raised. They raised me to worry about me and my well-being. But eighteen years of parenting can be undone in four years if there are screams, threats and a paycheck attached.
Another solution I considered was putting a sign in my rear window that said something like "New Driver". Hoping that people would see the sign and back off, slow down or just stop screaming at me. Everyone is so concerned with where they need to go and what they need to do that they forgot that there might be some drivers that aren't very skilled. In short, most drivers just need to chill the fuck out. It's not a race. I think the DMV should offer a "New Driver" license plate to any new driver for 1-3 years. That will never happen though because no driver wants to be outed as "new" or "unskilled". It's much easier for everyone to go around pretending they are good drivers than admitting that they are mistake-making humans. People will admit to being lousy cooks or not having rhythm before they admit to being a "bad" driver. Me? I don't care. I'm telling the world right now, "I am a bad driver. I'm not reckless, I just don't know what the hell I'm doing half the time."
Most drivers, at any skill level, don't like certain aspects of driving. Three-point turns, parallel parking, free-way driving, mountain roads or bridges are a few. Maybe because they aren't good at them, never really learned how, or are scared so they avoid those things. With the exception of going straight and sitting in the car there is no aspect of driving I am good at. Have I made that abundantly clear yet? From almost backing into our house to mixing up the gas and brake my driving just screams "accident waiting to happen". So I'll see you on the road, folks! I'll be the girl swigging green tea and driving the speed limit!
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