My Day at DoPS

Today my brother dropped me off at the Department of Public Safety (DoPS) so I could surrender my

Ohio driver license and get my Texas one. 

After about waiting two and a half hours with a bunch of either super grumpy people or people like me who were like: "Oh well! Let's make small talk with one another and try to be polite because this sucks." I was denied.

My Ohio license, birth certificate, SS card, paperwork from my Texas home loan/home ownership, and a city utility application combined were not good enough to prove identity and residency.


I didn't get all that angry at DoPS.  My tone and eyebrows arched but I was calm. The DoPS worker knew I was just a bit close to rage though.

I get it: The paperwork I had was not specifically ON THE LIST OF ACCEPTABLE DOCUMENTS. Now we could have used logic to deduce that maybe I didn't wait two and a half hours so I could lie about living in a house that tried to kill me but she doesn't know or care about that. That's fine.

I don't get mad I get even. The next time I go I will unleash a stack of paperwork so tall Big Tex in his custom Dickies over in Dallas County will look like an elf.

Here is a list of some of the documents they want, why I don't have them, why mine were wrong and why the bureaucracy is broken.

Acceptable residency documents must contain name of applicant and their Texas residential address:

Current deed, mortgage, monthly mortgage statement, mortgage payment booklet, or a residential/lease agreement.

I brought them the paper pulled from the home ownership documents that I used to have the city turn my water back on. The city asked for this document specifically. It has my name and my address on it. (DoPS couldn't even find my name on the document so I pointed it out to them.)

I was told by the DoPS that it was not my house's deed. I explained about the city asking for this document specifically. They were not impressed. I came back home and located the paper that says "DEED OF TRUST" on it.  This paper has neither my name nor my address on it.

The "OCCUPANCY AFFIDAVIT" confirms that I will be residing here and this is my primary residency. This form has my name but not my address. You tell me what form they want out of the packet because it seems like the DoPS isn't sure what title companies hand out anymore.

Medical or health card 

Do people's health insurance cards have their address on them? Mine doesn't. I assume health insurance card is what they mean. I don't know what the fuck a health card is. Is it a card from my doctor that says I'm healthy? Maybe I can get Donald Trump's doctor to issue one to me. I hear he does good work.

Utility statement (including electric, water, natural gas, satellite TV, cable TV or noncellular phone bill.

Fine, most of this is in David's name so he would have to accompany his lil' wifey to the big ol' scary DoPS and assure them I live in the HOUSE THAT HAS BOTH OF OUR NAMES ON THE PAPERWORK.

But putting that aside for a minute, we don't have television or a landline BECAUSE IT'S NOT 1961 ANYMORE.  We have cell phones and the Internet.  Sucks to be you if you are a minimalist type. But I guess you would not have a car or need a license if you were into that.  You probably have a bicycle. That's cool unless you have to go to DoPS to get a bicycle license. I bet they want you to bring in the training wheels from the first bike you ever owned.

Now like I mentioned before I had the application and receipt from the day I turned the water back on last month. The city is going to use this information, my name and address, to send me the bill. No, I did not have THE ACTUAL BILL. But I had what I would consider to be the source document for the eventual water bill. IT'S THE SAME INFORMATION! DID THEY THINK I WENT TO CITY HALL AND PAID 80 DOLLARS TO TURN WATER ON IN A HOUSE I DON'T LIVE IN?

Mail from financial institutions; including checking, savings, investment account and credit card statements dated within 90 days of the date of application
IT'S 2016 WE HAVE GONE PAPERLESSS! YOU WANT ME TO PRINT ONE OUT AND BRING IT TO YOU? WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THIS CENTURY? WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU ABOUT THE INTERNET AND CELL PHONES.

Texas documents I will not have because I'm from OUT OF STATE:

voter registration card, motor vehicle registration or title, boat registration or title, concealed handgun license,  high school, college or university report card or transcript for the current school year, document from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice indicating the applicant's recent release or parole

More screaming I'M FROM OUT OF STATE/HAVE NO JOB

W-2 or 1099 tax form from the current tax year

Pre-printed paycheck or payment stub dated within 90 days of the date of application

A complete list of the eighteen plus acceptable residency documents is here. I have about five I could potentially bring in for them to potentially deny. I can apply for a gun license online. That is one step easier than the driver license process.