Another Blog about The Mommy Gene

Dear God, what have I done?

As a 31 year old married woman with no real job I’m often asked where my baby is.

They glance around me wondering if a shy child is hiding behind my legs. They assume my child is at school. Perhaps I simply forgot I had one and this gentle reminder will cause me to exclaim: “By golly! I knew I left something at home! I bet the oven is on too! Brb!”

Sometimes when I tell them I don’t have a child they back away a bit because obviously I’m a witch. I’m just biding my time until a village elder comes to throw me in Lake Erie.

They back away because they don’t want to catch whatever has caused my defective (or completely absent) Mommy Gene. That marker which separates the shiny-eyed, hands-clasped, beatific woman exclaiming, “Oh, I have always known I wanted to be a mom!” From, well I guess, this person: A woman from film noir stubbing out a cigarette while coolly responding, “How wonderful for you.”

That second woman lives inside me just like a maternal presence likely resides in the woman who wants children.

The other night I couldn’t sleep* and I came up with some other terms to use instead of Mommy Gene.  Feel free to use them at your leisure and because you are a woman with no children you obviously have so much leisure time!

Momhausen by Proxy (Suitable for spinsters with the following jobs: teacher, librarian, day care provider, nurse, personal assistant to a celebrity)

MCL (Maternal Collaboration Ligament) tear

Non-Momkins Lymphnode

Nurtureosis of the liver

MDD/MDHD (Mothering Deficit Disorder/ Mothering Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)

Mommy John Surgery

Doubt (It’s like gout but more severe, treatable only with time)


*I know it’s strange for a childless woman to not sleep! But insomnia and sleep deprivation can happen to anyone. It’s important for moms to remember that when non-moms sympathize with your sleepless nights. You don’t want to fly off the handle while bandying a fussy toddler on your knee. “Wtf do you mean YOU can’t sleep!? Wtf could possibly keep you up all night? There is no wailing child in your house!”

I should mention this scenario has never happened to me because my Mom friends are pretty chill but mostly because it’s not 1774 and no one bandies children anymore. I assume they have a special chair that bandies children for them.  I imagine it’s called the Handy Bandy and it’s iPad compatible. The Handy Bandy also folds up into a solar panel that can be attached to the child’s Power Wheel. This enables children to eco-consciously drive themselves to toddler Tagalog class.