How to De-Ice a Car with a Butter Knife: A Guide for the Unprepared, Stubborn, or Dumb

Did you hear about the awful ice storm (the one the Weather Channel named "Cleon") that dumped one to three inches of sleet, freezing fog, and God-knows-what-else on Texas earlier this month?

No? Well, here are some links to remind you how horrible it was just in case you forgot, or because you live under a rock. I'll bet you were under that rock because you live in a place with a consistently warm climate and you had to crawl under that rock to get away from all that oppressive heat. I hate you.

The following blog contains my ten step guide for de-icing a car with a standard kitchen utensil: ye olde butter knife.  I hope my guide will be the first one you refer to should you ever find yourself caught unprepared after a freak ice storm.

Step 1: A day or so before the storm, discuss the coming event at length with area residents. This is a crucial step if you are a visitor to the area as I happened to be that week in the Dallas/Fort Worth region.

Residents will happily recall past instances when bad storms were predicted, the media gnashed their teeth in warning, and then the storm fizzled into nothing. Dubiously stare at these residents. Raise your eyebrows with your most skeptic arch. Cross your arms, narrow your eyes and say: "Yes, well, we will see what happens."

If applicable, this is the moment to inform people that you are from, or currently reside in a "cold-weather state." They will acknowledge your pain. They will remind you that you are accustomed to life in the frozen tundra.

Step 2: Consider purchasing items you may need for your car: ice scraper, liquid de-icer for windshields, snow-brush, but since you are living in a hotel and renting a car, shrug your shoulders and buy a cute hat and pair of gloves instead, because the locals say it probably won't be a bad storm.

Step 3: Return to the hotel and remain in room for 24 hours (or more) because the storm is in full swing.  Texas hadn't really prepared for it to be quite this bad, so the region has been brought to its knees.  Hey dummies, aren't you the ones who like to proclaim: "Everything is bigger in Texas!"

Step 4: After the storm, liberate the knife you used to spread butter on your toast during the free continental breakfast. A little voice in your head told you the knife would likely be needed in the future.

Step 5: Make the unwise decision to try and leave the hotel. A member of your party wants to inquire at the desk for assistance de-icing the car.  Fuck that. Grab your knife, turn it in your hand, admire it's uniform shape, grit your teeth and say: "I'll show you how we do things in Ohio!" Know that the polite party member is lost to you and you must forge on without them: just you, your butter knife, and a layer of ice so thick people in neighboring communities are doing figure-skating spins on the street.

Step 6: Slowly pick your way across the precariously iced-over parking lot in the freezing temperature. Apparently, there isn't a snow shovel, plow, nor bag of salt to be had in all of Texas to even clear a sliver of the hotel's frontage.

When you reach your vehicle, note how much ice has accumulated. Stare it down. Obviously, you try to open the door, but the handle is frozen stuck.  Even if the door could be opened you can't place your feet on the ground to pull with the strength needed to break the seal of ice without slipping and breaking an arm.

Hold on to the top of the car with one mittened hand and with the other begin chipping away at the ice along the edge of the door with the butter knife. Each door will take approximately 15-30 minutes. Your hands will go numb. You will break a nail, but you will persevere.

Step 7: Your party member has emerged with help, a hotel-cook armed with a bucket of warm water and a plastic ice-scoop. Glance at them, noting how useless the cook's tools are, and continue chipping away at the door. As soon as the door is open, tell your party member to get in the car and start it. Blast the heater and the defroster.

Step 8: The cook will pour water on the windshield. This water will promptly freeze creating another layer of ice to deal with. His scoop is basically useless at this stage. Working in tandem you and the cook will de-ice the windshield. After he pours the water, chip away at the briefly melting ice with your superior knife. Eventually this combination along with the heat of the car will allow the windshield to be cleared. After the windshield, move on to chip away at the remaining doors and windows.

Step 9: Continue working systematically around the car until you are satisfied that you have cleared as much ice as possible. Sit in the car for a bit to let your limbs thaw.

Step 10: Look out window and see fellow hotel-guests futilely trying to de-ice their cars. Inform your party member that you are going out to help them. Repeat steps 6 through 8.