"Get Laid not Greyed!"

Chad and Alan ask for their balls back with help from Erika.

Last night I attended a book burning.

Now the book burning I went to was not initiated by the government. No one there was forced to burn their books it was all voluntary. It was held at a local bar and hosted by the trio from an afternoon radio show called The Alan Cox Show on WMMS. The same show that brought us Cleveland Ballin.'

We watched a handful of copies of the book 50 Shades of Grey burn in a metal trough. Basically, they burned nothing of value last night because the book, which is being called "mommyporn," is still being mass-produced. There is nothing rare about 50 Shades of Grey.

This was a publicity stunt. Some people burned their copies because the book is poorly written and some like Chad Zumock wanted to burn it for all the men in the world who have suffered because their wives and girlfriends are enthralled by E.L. James' stunted dialogue and fantasy world.  Chad yelled: "Pay attention to your man!" as he arranged the books to be destroyed. Alan offered the books as a sacrifice to "no one in particular." I feel so oppressed.


As far as book burnings go this one was tame based on what I know from history. There was no bonfire, they soaked the books in tikki torch oil, and they forgot to bring a lighter so they had to borrow a few from the crowd. We were not allowed to approach the trough instead we were instructed to stand behind a fence and watch the slow moving spectacle.

So you can unclench your pearls and/or your butt cheeks and put down your weapons. Spare me the "censorship and oppression are wrong" and "books are sacred" arguments. I don't care to hear them because in America we live pretty freely when compared to people in other countries.  We are so blessed that last night at the book burning they destroyed a Nook.

For those of you who are familiar with my previous occupations watching a Nook get manhandled and then tossed into a fire (sadly I saw no lithium-ion battery explode) is apt because I left BN right before the Nook took over the company.  My job at a bookstore and a library for four years in tandem is also what makes your censorship argument null to me.

I do not believe in censoring literature which is why I would never walk into a bookstore or library and demand that books be removed from the shelf. Did I deal with my share of patrons and customers who did that? Why I sure did! At the bookstore we placated them with dulcet tones and promises to pass their problem along to corporate. At the library we apologized genuinely and gently directed them to a suitable book. Both institutions were in the business of circulating books: one for profit and the other to serve the public. 

It seems book burnings, like petitions and complaining, are a poor form of protest. Consider the way some readers enjoy their books: on e-readers. We could burn every single hard copy of 50 Shades of Grey and every other trashy book on the face of the planet and as long as it's sold as an e-book it will survive.

There are always going to be books like 50 Shades of Grey, Twilight,  The Da Vinci Code and there are always going to be people to make fun and maybe burn a few if we want.  You can't stop the bum rush so just sit back have a beer, chat with fellow bar patrons, and watch the flames dance. The authors of such books are laughing all the way to the bank anyway.