Walking in a Winter Wear Wonderland

Moving to Ohio in the Spring gave me more than enough time to prepare for the winter. I had a running list of questions about winter wear. What fabrics are the warmest for a coat? Wool is warm but it can get smelly if it gets wet and is never properly cleaned. How should it fit? When purchasing a coat I had to consider how active I might be outside. Walking to the house from the car was easy but what about longer walks in parking lots? I figured flat boots are better than heeled if you do a lot of walking. The boots must come over your ankle so snow can't get in and cause loss of toes. Hats are important but they cause hat hair so I bought a coat with a hood because I am vain. What do you do with your wet and cold coat when you go shopping? to a restaurant? How do you dress for a business casual job AND the cold? You know when you get to your desk the heat is going to be cranked way the hell up and you are going to slowly roast in your clothes. Over the summer most of my questions were answered by friends but I still had some lurking in the back of my brain.

About a week ago the awesome online store Modcloth (well, they were awesome until they started selling ugly holiday sweaters for $25 in their vintage section. You know the kind that end up at the Goodwill after Grandma dies and her children realize it is not 1988. The kind hipsters wear to "Ugly Sweater Parties". I hate them. Hipsters and ugly sweaters.) posted a little web video about how to dress stylishly but still stay warm during the bleak winter months when you are sure the sun is never going to shine again. Maybe this Modcloth video would answer some of my questions so I could stop asking the people around me and they could have some quiet for once. I kept in mind that the video was also an advertisement for (the sometimes pricey) products in their store but was still excited to hear what they had to say. As a California girl I take all the advice I can get about how to dress in the winter.

Like the winter wear spreads in my fave magazines and online articles this video was a disappointment. The host only touched the tip of the iceberg on coats, hats, layering and wearing "colorful and fun accessories". The host was a former South Floridian now living in Pittsburgh and that was the only advice she had? She never discussed boots or how to wear a dress in the cold. (I'll never wear a dress in the winter because I hate tights. Tights are for little girls. They don't mind when the crotch of their tights migrates toward their knees. Little girls also don't mind having the circulation to their mid-sections cut off because they don't have mid-sections.) The host mentioned how excited she was to finally wear mittens and scarves. Look, lady, I love fashion just as much as the next girl but bundling up is a major pain in the ass. I don't care if a whole other world of fashion is open to me now, I hate it. I like the freedom warm weather gives me to just throw on a light sweater and some flimsy shoes and head out. Late for work? No problem. Just roll out of bed, roll around on your floor and BAM! you are dressed for work. Late for work in Ohio? CRAP! WHERE IS MY (expletive deleted) SCARF!? I CAN'T WEAR THESE BOOTS THEY HAVE A HEEL! I WILL SLIP ON A PATCH OF ICE AND CRACK MY HEAD OPEN! I don't like being inconvenienced and dressing so I don't die of cold is an inconvenience. However, death is a major inconvenience so I'll just stick to bundling up.


Semi-unrelated side note: Speaking of fashion freedom. There is a repeat fashion freedom offender in our midst and her name is Lady Gaga. I have seen enough of that girl's crotch and ass to last me a lifetime. You know who else likes to walk around sans pants? Toddlers. But you don't see anyone offering them the cover of V. I just realized the words "crotch" and "ass" appeared numerous times in this blog. That is all.